November 10, 1990 (Saturday)

A bit too much attention on Julie. I'm thinking about her too much. Let's say that I could easily fall in love with her. At least I'm not the romantic that I used to be. I do wish to have an intimate relationship.

Meditation last night didn't really occur. I just sat there. The chanting previous was disturbing. I played the finger cymbals and kept trying to keep in rhythm with the drummer and singer, but they were way off. Then the singer came to me and told me I was off! Musicians are always like that. So meditation was just sitting there. I didn't think about the chanting, but I couldn't drop into meditation.

As to self-discipline, I masturbated last night. Why do I do these things? I just wish I could be in relationship with Julie so I could practice with it. Now my practice should be not to engage the sexual mind, but I keep failing at that. I can see the need to practice strongly in that disposition until a relationship presents itself.

Meditation last night was very vocal and self-forgetting. I continued with the vocals today. During the Full Cycle of Devotions, I fell into deep meditation and stayed that way pretty much through the following meditation. My knees are strong and my neck doesn't hurt, so I'm able to keep a stable asana longer than ever. This makes me very happy!

I feel like I've finally found home. The only thing that could make me happier would be to live in Fiji on Naitauba with Sri Gurudev. I feel that it will happen eventually.

There is a lot of consideration about sex and food lately. I feel simple about food and somewhat simple about sex. Basically, I'd like to have a girlfriend. Specifically, I'm attracted to Julie. But if I'm not "heroically" inclined, I'd best just be celibate.

Self-discipline has been graceful and easy. This way of life is very full and the distractions are just washed.

Happy that a positive disposition is still in play. Meditations aren't quite as profound today, but there is still significant mind- and body-forgetting. The "hunhh" noises are quieting down, too. I feel on occasion the descent of energy and ascent of energy that goes to the left side of my heart. It occurs very quickly and is gone.

My disposition is getting very steady. Describing what I feel like now, I would say that I was the witness. I don't feel inherently identified with all this. Thoughts that arise are not "mine".

I served in the kitchen and enjoyed it. In fact, I hadn't washed dishes in so long, I kind of missed it! I felt camaraderie with my gurubhais, but was also tacitly aware of them as egos, and felt the hurt of that.

I was very moved by a simple chant last night that was just sung by the chanter and nobody else. We laid a simple rhythm behind her and I loved every moment of it. It was ecstasy in a quiet fashion.

This morning's meditation was average, but I started falling in during the recitations. I feel fairly comfortable with not having to participate vocally if the process is deepening. Then, during the chanting, I progressively felt His Bliss more and more, until, at the end, I was very much intoxicated. I feel the warm glow still, and the Grace of His Purification.

I could feel myself starting to cycle towards mediocrity last night. I felt a bit out of it, tired and hungry. That's the state where my will to practice weakens. I indulged in essene bread with almond butter, but I did seem fairly hungry. Then I was noticing the tendency towards mediocrity during the morning meditation, but very simply kept persisting in feeling relationship.

This simple persistence eventually broke the tendency towards mediocrity. Part of this play was that I chaperoned Dan S. last night, since it was his last night. I just felt the disturbance of "hanging out", and it compounded the rising mediocrity. It's not that the mediocrity was so great, but that my sensitivity to it is heightened.

So I felt the impulse to merely serve, but allowed it to be thwarted by social convention.

I'm noticing that I want meditation to progress very quickly and profoundly. I don't like it when meditation is just work, but I know that that's sadhana. I have been Given a lot of Graceful meditations. I don't think I'm lazy, but the absolute intensity is lacking. I need to awaken to that. Anyway, my meditations have been peripheral and I feel the need to intensify my participation. At Sri Love-Anandashram, pain was the great focuser of attention. I need to self-generate that same intensity.

Meditation is about the same. Spontaneous moments of real communion highlight self-possession. I really can't figure it. It just seems to be the momentum of tendencies.

The disciplines are fine. It's pretty easy when you can do the same thing at the same time every day. But you can't, really. Not with the way things are.

I'm feeling very vulnerable. Particularly because I'm responsible for money (again!) and there really isn't any available. I don't want to have to leave here because of budget cuts.

Chanting wasn't great, either. I played the cymbals, but had to really concentrate. I'm just out of it devotionally and thinking more than usual.

Meditation last night and this morning basically sucked. I haven't felt this dissociated in a long time. Sri Gurudev Communicated that none of us are really prepared and I can just feel the collective collapse.

Chanting was particularly dead, also. I could stay in rhythm with the cymbals, but it was deathly boring. Then when I decided we needed to jazz things up a bit, I couldn't do it. The lesson is that without devotion it's impossible. I've been enjoying steady devotion for so long that it was shocking to find it missing. And I could feel it all around, too.

To make a complete picture, I'm feeling the tendency to collapse in service. I have another apparently impossible situation—making payroll. There isn't any money for it. The only real source is what other departments owe us and they haven't got any either.

However, I keep doing the disciplines and generally enjoy them.

So after this lack of devotion, very quickly I was immersed in profound bliss. Coming back from Lakeport and eating dinner and going to the arati, I became quite ecstatic. It was a very good arati and I'm sure I lost a lot of face. It was so good that my mind dissolved and I sat on my heels for a half hour afterward.

Then the evening meditation was quite profound, too. And then this morning's meditation was again very, very deep, with significant self-forgetting, albeit not absolute.

I very gladly did all the disciplines, even when I felt crummy (non-devotional) yesterday morning. The momentum of the form carries you past your tendencies.

I irresponsibly took the notes to Lakeport and acknowledge that it was quite unconscious. This shows a lack of true service.

Meditation has been medium after the profound previous day. Attention is not wandering much, though. My sexual mind is active. I am praying for guidance in my sexual life.

I served on the phones yesterday. It's a lot of work to call all the regions up and get them to feel the demand.

The disciplines are natural and easeful here. It's easier to do the form here, if you've the intention. It's definitely easier for me here than in Seattle. I feel more loved here, plain and simple.

Haven't chanted yet today. The puja was also medium in terms of devotion. I masturbated yesterday and feel the effects. I'm also sensitive to how cooked food can limit feeling-Contemplation. I had two cooked meals yesterday.

Meditation was good for Guruvara, but started to turn into a physical ordeal near the end. My neck is out again. I did a guard shift last night and slept late this morning. Meditation at home was pretty mindless.

During the guard shift I was indulgent in food. I ate to console. I was extremely in the mood of consolation because of this requirement to do the guard shift. I realized today that to suffer the desire for consolement is to be purified of that desire, while to merely identify with it is to really suffer and prolong it.

Chanting, albeit short, was very powerful and heart-moving. I sang with all my heart and meditation occurred spontaneously.

Service failed last night in that I didn't feeling-Contemplate Sri Gurudev and merely indulged in the feeling of being identified with the body-mind.

Meditation and chanting last night were very powerful. I played finger cymbals with Jay on harmonium. To my surprise, people really got into it and were standing and clapping and moving towards the Murti. An odd thing happened in that people started chanting with Jay and I found myself the chant leader. At the end I felt myself profoundly moved and easily went into self-forgetting meditation.

This morning was virtually thoughtless, but the cold bothered me and kept me from continuous, deep meditation.

I am quite focused and intent on doing the disciplines as Ishta-Guru-Bhakti Yoga. I am happiest when simply doing what he has Instructed us to do. I am becoming more aware of the energy movements that occur in conscious exercise. I still tend to completely ignore them. Also, when I eat pineapple for dinner (as well as breakfast), I notice increased sensitivity to Sri Gurudev Da Love-Ananda. However, I know that I have a tendency to move too fast in this adaptation. I can still feel imbalance from the yeast infection in this regard (particularly anal itching). It will take due caution and intelligence to see this through.

Chanting continues to be very special. I continue to play the finger cymbals and am pleased that people are being moved devotionally, expressively, during the chants. I even forget myself in moments and let the rhythm itself carry me. It's quite wonderful and I'm desiring instruction and guidance.

Meditation is thoughtless, but pain in my neck is again the case and it's distracting.

I've started to randomly do the conscious exercise of tensing the bodily base and exhaling the energy up the spine. Already I am aware of an increase in energy in the head accompanied by a feeling of warmth and dissolvement.

The more raw I eat, the less inclined I am to overeat or eat wrongly. The art for me now is not to eat too much sweetness, i.e., pineapple. Pineapple is the only fruit I'm eating right now, and it's quite good.

Was knocked out by the power of the hall at the Carroll's house. I served the boys and had an incredible meditation which reminded me of Sri Love-Anandashram and how nothing that arose could disturb me. The kids were restless and noisy, but I was intoxicated by Sri Gurudev. I was Gracefully Given the position of the witness-consciousness throughout. I enjoyed it so much that I went back after putting the kids to bed and the deep continued. I particularly enjoyed the feeling of oneness with everyone who entered the room. I felt as if they merged with my own being-consciousness. I cannot fully describe the intense bliss that it was. I'm taking this as an indication that I should fully embrace serving the children.

Didn't chant in the evening and I don't remember what the morning chant was like.

Today, because I did a guard shift last night as well as serve the kids, I'm out of sync. I can feel the disturbing quality and how I tend to collapse into it. I realize my great need to bring myself most intently and purposefully to the form through my love-response to Sri Gurudev.

Meditated at the Carroll's house and was again impressed by its mindless quality. Went there with Brooks after our festive single men's Thanksgiving dinner.

I must bring myself with great intent to His offering of sexual conscious exercise. I have many years of sexual mind and consolation to transcend. I keep failing at it because I fail to contemplate Sri Gurudev through it.

I served Michael M.'s and made it orderly.

Chanting this morning was very nice, lively and happy. I forgot to bring my finger cymbals, but got into clapping. I really feel how I contribute to the occasions. Afterwards, Anne C. told me I could play the "bells" any time I wanted. That was very nice of her and let me know that I am supported and appreciated.

Well, I'm sick (again). Seems like the same thing as three weeks ago.

I feel my betrayal of Sri Gurudev. I throw away His energy. Specifically, I violate His Admonition not to masturbate. It is a huge consolation for me and reinforces my identification with the body-mind. I am not going to do it anymore. I am going to follow His Instructions on conscious sexual activity and conduct the energy. I feel this has been easily the biggest obstacle in my practice.

The next biggest obstacle is food. I've been eating pineapple and doing okay, but have noticed that the anal itching gets severe at times. I feel the need for real guidance in this matter.

I seem to be on the road to recovery. I went to the Pavilion this morning and the heater was broken! And it was the coldest morning yet here. I was pretty identified with suffering. This illness, coupled with a flare-up of Candida symptoms, has made me negative and weak. Shows me where I'm at when I start getting suicidal again, but also shows the severity of my condition. Words cannot express how I long to be cured!

I felt Him particularly during the chanting, and not very much in meditation and puja. It was too cold for me to meditate.

Had a confrontation with Ansen about late night use of the phones. I felt he became defensive and accused me of not practicing with my annoyance.

Meditation started happening for real this morning. I am in a state of more naturally surrendering everything, good and bad, and it is sinking me into deep meditation.

Had to focus closely on cymbal playing during chanting because of a slow rhythm. I notice how that makes my devotional response weaker because I need to engage the mind. But I could feel the rhythm quite a lot nonetheless and disregarded the mind.

Yesterday was my first full day since being sick and I certainly enjoyed being back into it. However, I feel a lot of fear lately (unusual for me) and I don't know why.

Assuming the disciplines has been easier than I thought it would since being sick.

I am amazed at how potent the children's hall is. I served again last night and find it very attractive, particularly because the hall is so strong. Then, this morning at the Pavilion was in complete contrast. People came in gobs late and the place felt dead until the puja. I get the feeling that most don't even enjoy meditation. I was full of mind this morning and feeling reactive about the lack of devotion in the room.

I'm attracted to serving the children, but it's like when I first came to the community, I was repelled by the state of things. Mostly, the children have zero orientation to practice. They are not inspired by the adults. It will take everything to change the situation.

I screwed up during the chanting. I feel it's good for me to lose face. I lose face when I take a chance at something. It's a good learning experience. What I've learned is that you must follow devotion explicitly or the chances don't work out.

I'm animating a laziness in regards to the exercises. I feel the need to change them to enliven my participation with them.

Tired! It's not ten, but I'm tired. Neck's hurting, too. I must be practicing, because sadhana hurts.

Worked at the Great Tradition all day for the first time. They're a mess because of the computer scene. Very inefficient. And I found it disturbing to work with non-devotees.

Last night's fire puja was extremely powerful. Who knows what goes on during such occasions. I became deeply meditative and mindless, full of devotion.

My application to daily exercise is still weak.

Meditation was a gift this morning. I gracefully lost all thoughts and felt Him very much as an all-pervading Bliss. It is a timeless, spaceless space. I intuit what the Condition is and see how conditions could not possibly affect It. We are very fortunate that He Is the Truth.

His Gifts break my heart and make me devotional. I see how all of self-contraction is a dramatization of being apparently limited in time and space. The witness position inherently transcends time and space.

The exercises are still lax, but I don't feel it is a dramatization. It is just allowing the body-mind to recover from illness. I am actually quite keen on running again and perhaps starting Tai Chi.

Meditation continues well. I quickly went into the mindless state during both meditations today. There's not much to say, but it is very sublime. I feel refreshed and energized when I come out of it.

 I served by selling books at the bookstore. I noticed how I didn't really want to, because it messed with dinner, etc. But it turned out that I enjoyed it and even sold a few books (the reason I didn't want to sell books was because of the poor response earlier).

I do the form, but I'm being sloppy again. I should just burn through it. I continue to practice sexual conscious exercise.

Meditation required more work than usual, but very eventually I reached a meditative state. I could feel how the work I was doing was influencing the energy in the room, so I simply persisted. It reminds me of the work I did in Mindless Company.

Did the full exercise routine this morning. It helps to not feel rushed. I don't really have a resistance to the work itself, but it's the feeling of not having enough time that pushes me.

I had quite a few cookies last night and had no ill effects. It's true that when consumed in the spirit of celebration, there is not the usual "price to pay".

I felt very balanced and relaxed in chanting this morning. I felt my love for Him and cried. I haven't cried in a while. I'm not as emotional as I was.

That was the last page of the diary. I don't know where I made my entries from then on. What occurred after this was that Mr. Da had nearly all institutional employees kicked out. I went to Marin and started washing windows for a living. I lived in a men's household which was amazingly sloppy and disorganized. After a few months, the physical difficulty of the work created a crisis and I collapsed into chronic fatigue. I eventually moved back to Seattle temporarily and suffered my ass off big-time. I was talked into moving back to Lake County by the promise of getting help from the clinic. That promise was fundamentally broken; in fact, the conditions of the promise were never even attempted.

So this is a segment from the period where I'm recovering from a chronic fatigue collapse. I don't know where the other entries are, there's only the month of December 1991. The entries are longer than the entries handwritten in my diary, probably because I didn't have to serve as much and I entered them directly into a computer.

I've been back in Lake County for five weeks now and much has happened. The big news is that I'm energetic most of the time, although it seems possible that purification will put me out here and there.

I've had a lot of experiences since coming back, many of them psychic. I seem to be awakening psychically. I'll go further into detail about them at a later time. Right now, I'm happy to begin the practice of the diary that Sat-Guru Da has Given me.

Sri Gurudev is asking His devotees to meditate four hours every day. I've been meditating 3-4 hours per day for the last 3-4 days. I must say that I am happy for this discipline, for it coincides with this awakening of the psyche. And I hadn't been doing any disciplines at all (consistently) until the last few days. So I'm grateful that I am picking up the full practice quickly.

This purification is an extra extra-ordinary ordeal. I feel that I am truly close to getting "over the hump". My intent is to keep doing all the various things that I have been doing with ferocity until I am free of the fungus. FREE OF THE FUNGUS. I won't stop until this is true.

I praise Sri Da Avabhasa (The "Bright") for His Protection and Guidance through this difficult life.

I found an herb that I've been looking for yesterday in Santa Rosa in an "Advanced Defense System" product. It's called pfaffia paniculata. This product also has other juicy things, such as Pau D'Arco, Ginseng, Shitake, Ling Chi, and other things I'm not even familiar with. I took two yesterday, then one on awakening. Even though I had had only five hours of sleep, I felt well rested in the hall. The two hours went by surprisingly fast. I felt completely at home in the hall and wasn't uncomfortable at all.

Today is the first day that I will have done all the disciplines, including meditating four hours. I must say again that I truly enjoy meditation as the focus of life and the Guru as the basis of everything that we do.

I keep having difficulties with Dan S. when I serve with him. He has an attitude of "just do what I tell you to do" which I don't care for. We're supposed to talk about this soon. It seems like the old days in Seattle with this matter.

I've noticed that I want to take people on intellectually. I know this isn't a "good" disposition to have, but it is occurring. The Dan affair has simply pointed it out. I was at Michael C.'s today and did a [radionic] broadcast. Matt S. and Michael were going over how he should do a presentation. I noticed that, even though I was just sitting there reading a book, I felt offended. In feeling into it, I felt that I had something to contribute to what was being said and that, in fact, they weren't getting the full picture on the subject. I felt offended because few people value my input, not that Michael and Matt should have turned to me in that situation. But that, in general, I have noticed a certain snubbing going around.

Which makes me remember that I saw Jay today. I have felt that our relationship has been off for a long time. It feels like being in high school and being snubbed by somebody in a clique. Jay's in this clique that I'm not allowed in and he lets me know it by never letting me near. We used to be fairly close and have lively conversations as equals, but now he distances himself as if superior, not wanting to be contaminated by this lowly one.

That's the seemingly negative aspects that occurred today, but what a day it has been for remembering the Guru! I felt more alive and energetic this morning than since I can remember, then I felt the Guru very strongly, yet very simply in the Pavilion. When we chanted our praises to Him, it seemed very special and I was pleased to be playing the finger cymbals again.

Throughout the day I have felt balanced and poised, ready to do what needed to be done. But I see so clearly the madness we add to our lives and how we call it the Guru. It seems impossible to communicate this understanding. It seems that no one gets it, even with the Guru lambasting us constantly. The ones who serve the most are the most insensitive to the criticism, it seems, probably because they feel they have given their lives over significantly. Yet something is off and they remain comfortable in their egoity. I try to tell Michael M., but it gets nowhere fast. No one can see the armor they have placed to defend against this truth.

Well, another low period has come. I made myself get up this morning and go to meditation. Then when I got home I felt that I had to sleep. Turned out that I slept for five hours. I felt "drugged" again and had to fight to get out of bed.

Once out, I went running and did practical things. As I type this, I feel myself coming around. I know the running is important. I also took the opportunity to do a full range of purification rituals—frequency therapy, colema board, bifidus implant. It all takes so long! And I feel pressured by Editorial to always serve more and more.

I had an interesting talk with Chris N. at Master Foody Moody's. It was a conversation that I really needed to hear. He started out by saying that he was astonished by the new CEO and Chairman of the board—Bill R. and Godfree, respectively. He said that Bill is a notorious failure and that Godfree lies and will just abuse his authority. We talked about how conventionally we organize ourselves and how it seemed that the power structures that we had in place were even more abused than in the common world.

He told me that last year he had just come to a decision that required and produced great emotional strength in him. He decided not to play "the game" anymore. That's the position I'm in. I feel that I have to create my own circumstance so that I can heal. I know absolutely that I will not get well unless I do so. I will just have to say "no" to the madness they offer me in the name of the Guru.

The powers that be in the community of devotees are entrenched in their egoity. The abuse they produce in the name of the Guru is astonishing.

Last year, when Bill G. the publisher was here, he asked us all to write what we thought the major obstructions to meeting our goals were. My response was the only one he chose to read [out loud]. Fundamentally, I said that we glamorized our roles in the Press and self-perpetuated the madness that we all suffered. I said that we had no intention of getting straight because we are egos who are addicted to stress. I said that we took advantage of our circumstance to get off the hook in regards to the form. In fact, none of us was interested in doing the form at all, we just wanted to bask in the glory of associating with the Guru.

Of course, nothing changed. I can see that no amount of talking will change things. Even my own demonstration in the face of things will not change the way things are fundamentally. Even so, I feel moved to take on the practice for real, resort to the Guru for real, get well, not participate in the bullshit that the community of devotees is constantly producing, and be effective on my own terms.

This all seems so paradoxical because we are to cooperate with each other on virtually everything. But I can only participate if it truly serves the Guru and the life of practice. And I can see that practically nothing serves the Guru and practice at this time. In fact, there is a tremendous undermining that goes on. You're not supposed to want to practice and to actually do so. You're supposed to reinforce this constant turmoil that we say is the Guru. Well, the Guru is not constant turmoil, He is a Great Fire that consumes turmoil as well as everything else. We are the turmoil and we had better see the writing on the wall.

This is a moment in which I must gather myself together, and, as Chris said, become emotionally strong in the face of stiff opposition. I will have to buck the party line and "look bad". I felt this in Seattle, but wasn't incarnating it, and shortly thereafter I moved down here. This is how I will transcend the Oedipal. It is my desire to be loved by everybody that keeps me, if not embracing the bullshit, at least tolerating it. I have to be vocal (if anyone is interested in listening) and I must stand firm in the face of a lot of pressure.

We'll see how it goes.

I had an ordeal in enduring the gas pains from the bifidus implant and wasn't able to sleep until late. It seems that the gas is coming later and later, so I take that as a good sign. But it certainly lasted for hours, even though the pain wasn't as intense as it usually is either. I feel that I should take an implant at least twice per week. I will schedule out a week's activity and present it to Dave M.

Because of the pain, I missed meditation and puja this morning. I really hate that. All I can do is make sure that I do it tomorrow. When I am balanced, I enjoy meditation and puja very much. In fact, yesterday I noticed that I was somewhat tired and cranky at the end of the puja. Then when we began to chant I was instantly energized. I then saw a mechanism by which I wanted to resist the Happy energy flowing from my Guru and wanted to persist as un-Happiness. I saw my addiction to suffering quite clearly and in that seeing was instantly available to transcend it, which I did. I ended up quite happy and feeling the Guru. Then reality hit me when I got home and I ended up sleeping another five hours. I am becoming familiar with the "drugged" feeling of purification of the fungus. In this plan for the week, I am going to anticipate incapacitation and place it in the schedule.

I was pleased with the consistency of feeling Sri Gurudev today, even though I only formally meditated once. It was a Happy occasion as we began the Feast of the Danavira Mela. We put up the Giving Tree and the Giving Coat and we all had a chance to place ornaments. There was just an all-around Happy feeling to the Pavilion.

I was also pleased with my asana today. I practiced with it and didn't get bummed out about it. It was uncomfortable here and there, but it was quite tolerable. I noticed that with proper asana I could maintain a sitting longer and more comfortably.

The Pavilion was packed with people this morning! I'm sure some of it was from the 3rd stagers having come back from retreat and directed by Sri Gurudev to meditate with the adults, but even still, there were many more adults there than usual. I took this as an extraordinarily good sign.

It has always been my contention that if we devotees took on the practice for real, there wouldn't be this endless chaos in relationship to the Guru. The paradox comes from all the late-nighters trying to respond to the Sat-Guru, but then not being able to do the practice because of exhaustion. Everyone seems to think that responding to the Guru has precedence over doing the practice. I actually agree with that, but feel that in reality the Guru would not demand anything from us that interferes with our full participation in the form. The reason He apparently does so is the Catch-22 that everything is out of whack because we don't have a right relationship to Him. And that is fundamentally because we haven't embraced the practice as He has Given it.

The reason that this is so is that there is very little real intention to do the practice. Those who choose to do all those later-nighters do so because of egoic reasons. They get off on it. They are addicted to stress (as are all egos, to whatever degree), but they seem to be more addicted to it than your average person. They prefer to do so rather than to simply submit to the Guru in all the Ways that He has Given.

I pray that something is really breaking here. I think that perhaps the Guru will be lessening His Demand for late-night response and then people like Michael M. will be searching for reasons to stay up and miss the form. But it's all going to come down and what a glorious sight! There will be a community of devotees practicing the Way of the Heart for real! And we will naturally be very attractive to others because we will be allowing our Beloved Guru to Shine through us.

I feel it in myself. I have gone from not doing the form at all to doing the form fully with four hours of meditation a day in less than two weeks. And I find that it is extremely enjoyable. I am beginning to understand that meditation on the Guru is everything and find the desire (Given by Grace) to do so twenty-four hours per day.

Meditation has been fantastic again today. Devotees will really come around to meditation when they discover the ecstasy of mindless feeling-Contemplation of the Guru. I feel the "tightness" in the hall quite a bit (I'm sure that it's from everybody rigidly sitting there and thinking, thinking, thinking), but this morning felt a bit more "relaxed". In some ways I feel that my noisy meditations, so obviously mindless, are occurring as a sign to others to let go. It's a constant reminder to the chronic tendency to think. I am grateful that I have been Given such a meditation at my level of practice.

About one year after first becoming a practicing student of the Way of the Heart, I had an extraordinary week of mind-forgetting and body-forgetting meditations. I would sit in the hall and almost immediately "disappear". I would "come back" virtually just before the formal meditation time was over. This went on for a week without fail. In my confession to other devotees, I told them how grateful I was because the meditations were so obviously a gift. The response was a general disbelief. In fact, Ron W. would tell me years later that he still doesn't believe me. This is but one of many incidents that illustrate the undermining of the life of practice that goes on in the Free Daist Communion.

Well, I'm pretty tired tonight. Actually, I've been tired all day. I made it to the puja this morning and there were a lot of people there again. I was fairly tired and had to fight a bit, the meditation got deep for a while then petered out at the end. But a curious thing happened halfway through the puja—I began to feel Sri Gurudev very strongly and became quite mindless. I couldn't really follow along with the ritual and didn't want to. I was so deep into Him by the end of the Puja that I just stayed there for another hour in meditation. Unfortunately, someone began to rake outside the Pavilion almost immediately and drew me out of the deep, deep Contemplation. I was pissed off and never got quite as deep. I take this as just another sign of how we interfere with each others' practice. Towards the end of the meditation I was pretty tired and have been that way all day.

My service today was transcribing a recent question and answer period Given by Sri Gurudev. I enjoyed it somewhat, but became overwhelmingly fatigued after about four to five hours. I felt better when I went to the Sanctuary, but have been taking it easy since coming back home. My neck and back went out sometime over the last couple of days and was exacerbated by all the entry work.

So I really haven't done the full form today. I feel too tired to do the calisthenics and made a vague attempt at yoga just before doing this entry. It feels like the best thing that I could do would be to just go to bed. I'm going to use the pranayama screens in bed and feelingly-Contemplate the Guru until I fall asleep (which feels like it could happen very quickly).

Another sluggish period that I'm coming out of. The turn-around is happening quicker now. The fatigue from being at the computer is still difficult—I ended up taking two naps today after computer work.

But I've managed to get back to doing all the form, although I only meditated three hours. That's okay by the Guru's Instruction, however. It's just Sanctuary residents that need to meditate four hours. And I am pretty sick, after all.

I felt inspired by the talk I worked on this afternoon. I know that what I want most is to practice the Way of the Heart.

I've been told that service basically comes before the form. I fundamentally don't agree, but I'm in a position where I am basically just going to do what I'm told until I'm in a stronger position. So I didn't go to Guruvara and stayed home and caught up on organization and correspondence (mostly related to health matters) because I hadn't had time to give attention to those things.

I just had an extremely deep meditation in the hall of this house (Rodney & Aniello's). I've only meditated there once or twice before and I noticed how strong the Presence of the Guru was. Rodney and Aniello came home just as soon as I sat down, but I immediately got blissed-out and was undisturbed by the noises they made. There's a tv just outside the hall which was going, but I found that undisturbing also.

I felt one with the Guru at a spot above my head. I can still feel it, but it's not as strong. The undisturbed quality reminded me of my Naitauba retreat in which I enjoyed what I was later to feel was a sixth stage disposition on at least one occasion. That disposition was one in which nothing that was arising could disturb the state of bliss I was enjoying. I didn't feel identified with the body or the mind, even though the body and the mind were hurting and thinking, respectively. At that time, I even had my eyes open and wandering about the room. My posture was very poor. But none of it made any difference. The feeling tonight was similar, although I wasn't experiencing as many thoughts or pain.

Serving at the editorial trailer this morning was very disturbing. I had some difficulties doing some computer operations and the computer was requiring me to reboot at times. Anyway, I finally figured them out, but it basically took all morning. Then, sometime that morning, the energy in the trailer became very strange. I had to go back and forth between the IBM and the MAC and every time I went to the IBM there was an obstacle course of people to get through. For a long time there was an argument about some production issue and I observed that no one was in their feeling. At some point, Xandra asked me a question about something I knew little about, and as I engaged a conversation with her, Dave M. came up to me and very bluntly told me that I should be answering the phones. I basically felt a shock in my body from this and didn't understand where he was coming from. I said, "I do that." I hadn't even heard the phone that must have just rang because I was involved in a conversation with Xandra that was requiring much of my attention. I felt assaulted and as if I had been asked to be his flunky servant. The feeling of being assaulted lasted quite a while and it was during this time that I continued to have computer related problems. Lunchtime came and went and I was still having difficulties. I had to go back and forth between computers at this time and the argument about production was occurring in the middle of the "obstacle course" that I had to go through. On one level all this was good because it was an event that I could directly practice with and I saw how I needed to present a stronger image to the world. On another level it just brought up my longing for a circumstance that didn't have all this bullshit going on in it.

I was so disturbed by all this that I just asked Michael M. if I could do computer work at home for the afternoon. He consented. I came home and felt how much I wanted a circumstance in which my well being would be taken care of and I would have time available to do the practice in its fullness.

I saw some notes from Sri Gurudev that showed that, apparently, the Press had written and said they were not able to do the full form. He Responded by Saying that the Press was lazy and inefficient and that if they didn't come up to the form then The Mountain Of Attention Sanctuary was not His. It was interesting because it was only a paragraph long and was very similar to a conversation that I had had with Michael M. just the previous day. That was a conversation that had been building up in me for a while, which had its roots formulated last year. I have no answers, only to prioritize doing the form and everything will fall into place. That's what I did in Seattle and that's what I did during Love of the God-Man. If I could do it during Love of the God-Man, considering the unprecedented arduousness of that time, then it could be done generally any time. We just have to resort to Him more and more.

He Talks about sarvadikharis in India who basically serve twenty-four hours a day and seems to indicate that's what He expects of us. I suspect that He expects that of us because He knows that we're capable of it if we allow Him to live us.

I've felt sluggish and strange all day. I felt nauseous last night and this morning. This afternoon I had a strong impulse to sleep which I somehow transcended. Then I got some work done and went to the trailer where I was once again frustrated by the chaos and lack of efficiency in the air. It seems to take so long to do the simplest things.

The talk that's about is that there won't even be any community support by mid-January. This always seems to come when I come along needy the way I tend to do. I just have to kick it in the butt for real this time and not make myself have to repeat this horror of karma over and over again. I don't think it's a mere coincidence that I will be forced once again to find a job on my own and make do without the neediness that I tend to bring to everything. There's a part of me that is scared that the same thing will happen to me that happened last year. But I know it doesn't have to happen. I know that this is all just a test for my growth. The economy sucks and all that, but I have skills and I should be able to find a job if I really put out. That's my hope and prayer of changes.

The meditation hall here is pretty strong. I don't know why. But I'm happy to meditate here. I feel a throbbing energy as soon as I walk in the room. Then I submit to Sri Gurudev and become mindless quickly. The TV was playing again tonight, but it doesn't really matter that much. Of course, it would be much nicer if it could be quiet.

I find myself longing for a quiet place to spend the rest of my life.

A strange Danavira Mela. I didn't participate in any of the celebrations. I did some entry work at the trailer. This evening's meditation was pretty intense. I meditated 90 minutes almost all of which was mindless. Very blissful. Very healing.

Trying to write after a mindless meditation doesn't work very well.

Perhaps I have heard. There is not a moment that goes by in which I am not convicted of being the ego, of being this contraction.

I think that I should do yoga and journal before the last meditation. I think it would be best to go right to bed after meditation. I am tired and going to bed from mindless meditation is better than restarting the mind.

So I'm stuck with trying to think of things to write. I just don't want to re-engage the mind. I think I'll just try earlier tomorrow.