July 29, 1990 (Sunday)

The Lisa number is being practiced with. Whatever is occurring is a deep purification of my emotional/sexual character. I am truly surrendering to Sri Gurudev this unhappiness. In evening meditations it was universalized and applied to all unhappiness, not just emotional/sexual. But emotional/sexual is the root of it. I feel that the very root of my seeking is emotional/sexual.

The tapas is great and maddening, but what else is new? I've been given a lot of strength and clarity with which to practice, so I endure the process much better now.

I've rediscovered my longing for His bodily human Form. That's also at the root of emotional/sexual. I see how I want Him to show me that He loves me personally. I've always felt that would come in the form of love from a female devotee, so it's heart-breaking to find Lisa, to whom I'm attracted through devotion, is basically uninterested in me. This is definitely the manifestation of my rejection number. The only thing to do is to practice with it and stay in relationship.

July 30, 1990 (Monday)

Feel completely released of the Lisa number after writing my sadhana summary and writing Lisa a letter. In the letter I expressed the self-understanding that had been occurring and felt empowered by writing the letter. I simply feel free and happy about the whole thing. The truth is, I simply was attracted to her devotion and that is unchanged. That being the basis of the attraction, I could "merely" observe my rejection number as it arose. In seeing it without identifying with it, I feel released and happy. Staying in place and relational is the simple key to everything.

I again got to serve The Manner of Flowers. I enjoyed it but made some faux paux's (sp?). Oh well, I hope they let me in again, it's so beautiful.

There is another level of a sense of ease in the sadhana. My meditations have been crummy except for this easeful endurance.

July 31, 1990 (Tuesday)

Driving back today. I notice the tendency to eat too much because of boredom. I'm failing to abide in love-Bliss Radiance. It's obvious that it's because of identification with the body-mind. It's also obvious that I must bring myself up to constant remembrance of Him and thus constantly forget myself. All situations are opportunities and tests for this.

I must pass over into absolute dependence on Him. It's the only way. And the only thing to do is to do it. Starting right now.

August 2, 1990 (Thursday)

I'm being tested severely. Every conditional aspect of practical living has some difficulty to it. Everything I asked to be handled while I was gone wasn't. Also, the computer is apparently worse than it was and we've probably lost some data.

I'm feeling reactive, which is the self-contraction itself. I see the mechanism that seeks for happiness and can somewhat see how that is unhappiness itself. But there is something consoling and even pleasurable about the self-contraction. It's like fasting and then eating something. You feel good because you stopped the purification.

August 3, 1990 (Friday)

Had an extraordinary morning meditation and puja and chanting this morning. I cried through much of the meditation, all the way through the puja, and during chanting had a kriya which was extremely spirit-possessed, like the one Ed had at the Sanctuary. In a moment I was rolling around the floor without self-consciousness. Ed says that he was told that when truly possessed like that, one doesn't get hurt or cause damage. I just missed the water bowl and Ed in my rolling, but knew nothing about avoiding anything. I felt wonderfully purified and devotional.

The men have been bringing me my negative energy number and I'm uncomfortably aware of it lately. I feel accepted by the community, but not loved. That's not quite right—I do feel some love from some, but am usually more aware of animosity and reactivity.

August 4, 1990 (Saturday)

Meditation continues to be deep here. It's pretty clear that I should be here. I am more easily moved by Sri Gurudev in this circumstance.

I called Lisa again today and left a message. I'm hoping she'll call back or write. I could use some relationship.

I can't help but notice that people are not inclined to help me in service. I can see resentment arise, but I just practice with it. I don't really understand my karmas. Why do I bring out the negative in people?

Chanting continues to inspire and loosen me up.

August 5, 1990 (Sunday)

Well, meditation continues to be great. Seth and I went in early because we didn't know that people were sitting a half hour later, so we meditated two hours instead of an hour and a half. I was extremely contracted when we entered. I had awakened early stressed-out from concern about the finances and took that into the hall. However, I found that I could practice with it and was helped by my gurubhais in the hall who were obviously moved. So shortly I felt connected to Sri Gurudev and freed of concern.

I had kriya after kriya and making sucking noises. I was tossed around, etc. But what was really wonderful was feeling released of all implication. I still feel that and it's my practice.

Served the kids in the afternoon. It was fine. I had a deep meditation with them. I enjoy them, at least the younger ones.

I blew the diet. I have been doing really well on a straight raw vegetable with a bit of cooking, but when everyone left to go swimming I ate some tahini with barley malt. I could feel how it was the wrong thing immediately, but was inclined to do it anyway.

August 6, 1990 (Monday)

Meditation continues. I'm experiencing less kriyas, but can surrender the mind easily. I became absorbed in Sri Gurudev and find that very pleasurable. It's a matter of participation.

Service requires everything of me. It's a great Gift. I'm forced to learn how to release my anxiety and have faith in Sri Gurudev. What needs to be done can't be done by creative power and that has been shown to me over and over.

Today the disciplines have been easy and enjoyable.

August 7, 1990 (Tuesday)

I saw Sri Gurudev in a video and he was so beautiful... I fall in love with Him over and over.

I need to really take on the discipline of raw diet. I know I've adapted enough to support it. But the people around are a distraction.

Served very functionally today. Really had to practice with the frustrations of conditional existence. I could see how I just wanted to shut people off, but I stayed with it. I tend to think how I don't care about all the practical stuff and want to drop it and be a renunciate.

August 8, 1990 (Wednesday)

This body is very sore. But I have less sympathy for its disgruntledness. Truly, I'm being drawn beyond identification with conditional existence.

I am still by Grace able to enter the hall and drop the mind. It is an extremely pleasurable thing to do. Ecstasy is habit-forming. I am really feeling how the mind is suffering and creates suffering and the conditions that seem to justify suffering.

Found the missing software and backup of it and was very grateful. It solved a potentially immense problem. I had an intuition that it would be found eventually. My devotion to service had been tested through this. Also, I was really forced to drop the mind because I couldn't take the suffering of it any more. No matter what arises, I no longer have the orientation to figure it out logically. Rather, I am disposed to remain in ignorance about it.

Chanting hasn't been as ecstatic as usual. I've started using finger cymbals and am enjoying that, but somehow the concentration required keeps me from becoming truly ecstatic.

August 9, 1990 (Friday)

What an Arati tonight! It was an hour and a half long! What ecstasy and good company! I hugged Leonard a long time.

Meditation continues to be profound. Norman's house has a very potent hall. He's got empowered items from the auction. Anyway, my mind dissolves in bliss in that hall. It is extremely pleasurable.

It is pleasurable to do all the disciplines. I want to be a renunciate who merely embraces all His Gifts.

August 10, 1990 (Saturday)

Up late and only because I don't feel tired. Spent the evening installing software.

Meditation is found to be readily available. I just have to bring myself to the hall and submit everything that I conceive of as "I". It is simple in principal, but playing it out is something else.

I played basketball in the barn and enjoyed it a lot. It's quite nice up there. I found myself shooting well because I applied myself as in meditation.

Served in many ways today. I remember Sri Gurudev more easily in bodily service.

Food continues to grab at me. It's a biggy, like sex.

August 11, 1990 (Sunday)

Up late again and don't feel very tired. It looks like we have quite a few thousand dollars all told. It's so surprising. We only bring in about $2000/month in regional fees.

I feel calmly submitted to Sri Gurudev. I think it must be His Energy that's making me feel so alive. I feel love for Him almost all the time. He Is the Secret of Happiness itself.

Was on the computer all day and was actually productive.

Meditation continues to be fantastic. I can't wait to get into the hall. He's so obvious, and He's Graced me with the ability to submit the mind at will. I feel extraordinarily Blessed. I pray that I will soon be in the LRO (Lay Renunciate Organization).

I meditated with Jeremy another half hour this morning and it was also very deep. My body aches a lot, but it doesn't make any difference. Attention is being transcended in Him. I feel the truth of Him in the air I breathe.

August 12, 1990 (Monday)

Meditation is quieting down. I'm feeling very relaxed and unselfconscious. The mind is quiet, but the kriyas are minimizing. The kriyas are still coming strongly in moments. I am merely happy more often.

Another thing that is occurring is that I've felt very energetic on about five hours of sleep per night. Usually I feel tired all the time, but I've been staying up late and serving without really have to because I felt moved to. I love to serve and find it serves my practice greatly.

The guys criticized me about my inability to establish intimate relationship. They tell me that I am rigid and don't know how to have fun. They've got a point. I'm at the point where I will either embrace renunciation without intimate relationship or not. I'm strongly moved to renunciation.

August 13, 1990 (Tuesday)

Yes, I'm strongly drawn to real renunciation, but I have strong egoic tendencies, too. I went nuts with the booja-booja and ate quite a few. I feel the negative effects and how it keeps me from really Sri Gurudev. Paradoxically, it is this same extreme tendency that draws me to renunciation. I must simply submit to it.

We had an all day vigil meeting. Everything changing—I won't be CEO anymore, thank God. I'll be the men's ministerial rep. Things are really still up in the air.

Meditation is slipping off. It's obvious coincident with my own fatigue.

August 14, 1990 (Wednesday)

The booja-booja menace continues. I am going through a crisis. I must be a renunciate or die, it seems. Or die to be a renunciate. I give it up to Sri Gurudev, the Beloved of my heart.

Today has been a beautiful suffering. I can't accept the apparentness of my suffering any longer. It is an illusion for which I am no longer inclined to reinforce. I prefer the intuition of freedom.

Meditation is difficult and yet by the mere turning of attention to Him, His Grace flows in and lifts me beyond the terrible suffering that I am. Chanting need not be exaggerated, but the power of the rhythms and the devotional voice cause my heart to sing with happiness.

I am not the body-mind.

August 15, 1990 (Thursday)

It's 11:35 and I don't care. What a weird, awful, beautiful day! You just keep breaking down 'til you don't care anymore.

What should I say? That I am absolutely frustrated by all that I'm surrounded by? That I feel how everyone hates my guts and loves me too? That it's all an enormous ball of madness? That I might as well just be happy, damn it?

I felt this movement to renunciation, for real. I do not want to keep interfering with Sri Gurudev. I felt this fundamentally and as already the case.

I'm hyper in writing this, but that's okay. Things will continue to be difficult, but I am fundamentally different now.

August 16, 1990 (Friday)

The difference continues (that is no difference). Sri Gurudev is really pulling us through a big one. We've all been going out of our minds with His Purification and now we're feeling the happiness of a new balance.

I feel more connected to the guys through open confessions in the new transitions considerations. At least Ed and I are going for LRO. I feel very simple about it.

I felt that I had some things to express that were readily accepted and was given good feedback and conditions on my own practice.

I am a renunciate. What that means is that when the tendency to self-contract arises in whatever forms it does (fundamentally as food-desire, etc.) I see it as self-contraction and practice with it. It is a strong form of response to not submit to my tendencies.

I am enjoying very much my cymbal playing in the hall during chanting. It is both easy and difficult. I feel a bit tense from not wanting to make an error, but feel loose by Sri Gurudev's Presence.

Service has been unfocused. I must focus to do what I have to do. I got the computer working finally and now hope to just apply myself to things.

Meditation continues strong and deep. There is a great deal of ease to it and feeling Him so strongly.

August 17, 1990 (Saturday)

Evening meditation had more mind than usual, but then I full-prostrated and when I got back up my mind disappeared. That was good.

Was in a meeting most of the morning as service. I'm not getting stressed out, but realize that I must renounce profoundly in order to respond and serve Sri Gurudev fully. What I can do is cut sleep back to five hours regularly. This can be easily accomplished by regulating diet.

I've started the one day fast per week and am already drawn to drinking spirulina for breakfast. This definitely helps my energy. Then, I need to do intense scheduling and prioritizing. I should plan the day the night before, but it is often difficult because I don't know what's coming up.

I'm finding the chanting occasions are very magical lately. I love being able to participate with the finger cymbals. Sometimes it takes us a while to invoke Him, but we almost always manage to do it. Thank You, Sri Gurudev.

August 18, 1990 (Sunday)

A great Da International Day. The energy felt really good and we brought in $850. We need events like those a lot. We need to have events occurring all the time.

I'm writing this in the morning because I was up 'til 1:30. But I feel really good. I'm being lived by the Grace of Sri Gurudev.

Did a lot of service in feeling-Contemplation, that's why I'm not feeling the "lack" of sleep.

August 19, 1990 (Monday)

Soft day. I'm feeling quiet. I remembered that Judy M. said you could put yourself forward for the fourth circle, so I told Ed that I'd like to. He told me that I was considered, but rejected on the basis of my critical attitude. My feeling is that we need this critical attitude and that I have had to bring myself to it very deliberately. But he's asking me to fast it, so I will. However, I hope that it is not a mistake. We all need to embrace the father force.

I'm really blanking out in the hall. I suddenly become aware of my surroundings and remember who I am after some unknown time has passed. I like that deep self-forgetting. I can feel the intuition of it moment-to-moment.

I also felt Sri Gurudev's Transmission in a specific way. We heard notes from Him about how His Presence might be received bodily. During the course of this last week, I realized how much I had totally ignored energies in my body because they were merely experience. But because of this reading, I became attentive to what was occurring and was surprised to feel this energy indeed take the path described down the frontal line and caress my middle and left heart and turn up and go halfway up my spine. I wrote Him about this.

Self-discipline is occurring more profoundly and simply by spontaneous renunciation. Renunciation occurs spontaneously when He is remembered and invoked consistently and constantly. There are still the itty-bitty pockets in time when I am moved to animate the self-contraction, most obviously in the form of food desire. But this is not just a liability—therein lies the great opportunity for true renunciation and profound submission of all that I am and tend to be.

Served Gabe by giving him a bath. I am aware of this critical being that I am and tend to animate. It's a two-edged sword; it's fieriness has put me into exemplariness, yet that very fieriness is keeping me from being acknowledged as exemplary. I agree that it does, because there is still a deep-rooted unhappiness about it that everybody is aware of. I guess I just wish that someone would appreciate what a sacrifice and ordeal it is for me to be this way.

But it should be interesting to fast it. I feel very confident that I can, by His Blessing Help, do so. But it is a tendency, and all tendencies are difficult to turn. However, I sense a great relief in being explicitly told not to do it anymore. But it's just like CEO—I feel reluctance because I don't see anyone else who can do the job.

August 20, 1990 (Tuesday)

Food is much more of a stress when I'm on the road. If I could just keep to raw, I know that I'd be better off, but my body begins craving things and I tend to submit to it. Then I'm feeling stuffed and sluggish and that's not good. So I keep failing to practice with food.

Meditation is surprisingly deep and self-forgetting. This evening at the bookstore I completely lost the sense of bodily identification.

Half a day was spent in the vigil council. I am embarrassed about being who I am. My tendencies are worn on my sleeve and are very visible.

Devotion brings about the intuition that I am not the body. I feel that now. It is a great happiness.

August 21, 1990 (Wednesday)

It's late again. I fell asleep at the computer. It was strange.

I'm having deep insight into myself as self-contraction. In those moments consolation is not necessary and the search is dropped. Yet, I'm crazier than ever—my tendencies seem unbelievably strong. It is obvious that I need profound help.

Meditation is so-so. The body-mind is complaining. My neck hurts. I just take it as it comes and resort muscularly when I have to.

I'm happiest when I'm serving at the computer. It pleases me a lot to organize our data. I'm hooked on it and want to focus on it.

The diet is testing me severely. It seems that every craving comes up. It requires everything of me to practice with it. It is a primary form of search and consolation for me.

August 23, 1990 (Friday)

Went to see a movie last night. I enjoyed it very much.

Feel loose and happy today. During the transitions I felt how tight Ed is. I feel there is a double standard in how transitions occur and that what it always comes down to is that they "feel" something off in me. What it is, really, is that they plain old don't like me. 'nuf said.

In loosening up, things really fell into place. We signed the lease after negotiating with them and I feel good about it. Found answering machine phones that are really excellent for a great price. Contacted Dave N. and Alan P. about past money karmas. This on a day I felt like doing my own thing! It is a Grace to discover that my "own" thing is serving Sri Gurudev.

The diet can be easy when I'm distracted by Sri Gurudev.

The Arati was very potent and energetic. I felt totally aligned and easeful about it. Can't they see this obvious demonstration of Graceful ease? I was very aware of being completely unseeking during this Arati. Thus, I was also aware of how much seeking others (particularly Peggy) were doing in that activity. But people are expected to look and act a certain way. Peggy does and I don't. Peggy is certainly a wonderful devotee and I love her, but we as a community need to awaken to the radical. My own demonstration will never be acknowledged until we do so.

August 24, 1990 (Saturday)

Tired. Breakthrough in feeling—Dan was right there this evening in considering this matter. It came down to understanding that I found it difficult to receive criticism from others when I could see that they were refusing criticism from me. I felt energized and renewed and connected through this consideration with him.

I'd rather be happy, but difficult actions must be engaged for the sake of others.

Started to feel back into Sri Gurudev with the evening meditation. I was the only one in the hall.

September 3, 1990 (Monday)

I'm at the Missionary house, but for how long? I've been considered in, then out, in, out, in, out.

I am relaxed in feeling-relationship. This evening's meditation was good, deep and self-forgetting.

Service for me is much more relaxed probably even erring on the side of laid-back. But I'm effective and to the point in the service that I do.

I feel awkward around Tom C. It's that feeling you get when you're not being liked. I'm pretty sensitive to it lately. I don't feel that I have "to do" anything about it.

September 5, 1990 (Wednesday)

I'm feeling mediocre, yet strong. A good appreciation of my shortcomings. How I tend to support my tendencies by merely indulging in them I the name of non-suppression. Yet, I have this image of being very disciplined. It's definitely a paradox.

Lynne's talking outside my room again. It's 10:45. They kept me up past 2:00 last night. Things have to change.

Meditation has been mindless. I feel the ability to simply move into the non-seeking position.

I'm not sure what my service is supposed to be anymore. I do what needs to be done. I feel like leaving all the time.

Julie K. is moving out here in a week.

September 6, 1990 (Thursday)

Was submitting to my tendencies by going to a movie when I became aware of the futility of seeking. Without strategy, I fell upon Sri Gurudev's Grace. It's almost midnight now, because I stayed up late to do all the disciplines, because that's what I really wanted to do. By His Grace, I had a great meditation, when I thought it was going to be difficult.

Am I willing to suffer the ordeal? Only when the witness position spontaneously assumes itself am I truly capable—it is occurring more and more frequently, but there can be no strategy to it. Only in the witness position do I feel free of the implications of conditional existence. I am intuiting the Greatness that the witness position is.

September 15, 1990 (Saturday)

Had the best meditation with full consciousness throughout. I finally started to feel reconnected and happy a few hours ago when I picked Bonnie B. up at the airport. I had submitted myself to balancing the books and felt progressively lighter and happier throughout. I also noticed how everything just fell into place and seemed to be done for me.

And I've done all the disciplines happily! It seems so natural—it doesn't take a thought.

Leonard complimented me on my chanting and I was very touched by that. Chanting means so much to me. I give myself to it so much and it seems that I'm good at it, but Leonard's was the second compliment in all the time I've been a student. I was inspired during the occasion also.

Inspired means transcendence.

September 16, 1990 (Sunday)

Sri Gurudev continues to enrapture me. I continue to feel intoxicated by His Bliss. I feel that my response to Him is dangerous because I put no limits on my apparent ego. And I appear to be undisciplined, etc. But the key to it all is that I love Him. I never abandon Him, even when I am apparently indulging in my limited self. Still, I can see the growth and feel that I am doing what I have to do. But it is dangerous because I could delude myself so easily.

September 21, 1990 (Friday)

On the way to the Sanctuary. I'm checking out the possibility of working for the devotee software company. It's interesting how things are working out in terms of opening a space to let me go. I've been completely relieved of all my service functions at just this moment and the vigil council okayed me to move if I'm offered a circumstance.

I need to go. I have felt the need for a new circumstance probably ever since I became a student in '88. Well, I've done two years here and served 'til I burned out. Now I'd really like to focus on the form as much as I can.

September 22, 1990 (Saturday)

At the Mountain of Attention. The pain in my neck became unbearable, so I bought some Midol.

I feel Him here, but I feel my betrayal of Him. It is clear what I have to do. I must simply embrace the form with my devotional response to Him. In some ways, my sloppiness lately has been because of a desire not to be strategic in my response. But I must move to be aligned again.

Meditation continues to be deep. I am making noises of agreement, a kind of humming, "uh-huh". It is so mindless. I have no conception of the passing of time. I am relieved of my pain by self-forgetting.

The ego is an obvious nightmare to me now. I am suffering myself profoundly. I feel that it could be the simple means to Graceful re-awakening.

September 23, 1990 (Sunday)

The retreat has been good. There is always difficulty, but one grows immensely. I don't want to throw the Gifts away anymore.

Meditations continue to be deep and self-forgetting. He has Gifted me with deep self-forgetting meditations. I remember that they spontaneously started occurring over a year ago. In fact, no one believed me when I confessed it. Now it is consistent. This evening I was in a lot of pain again, but I was able to resort to Him. Eventually I had forgotten the pain and everything else.

The Gift of tapas is evident. I am moved to be pure for the sake of others. That sums up the disposition I've been feeling and what will serve to align me without the worldly wandering that this poor Mleccha is unable to control.

September 24, 1990 (Monday)

Meditations are more of a test. The second was good (self-forgetting), but the rest have required hard counter-egoic effort. Still, I know how to locate Him. It's just a matter of exercising and growing strong in that resort.

No service today, just a lot of study of the Dawn Horse Testament. It's very powerful. I found myself shutting down by getting sleepy. That is a primary escape for me—sleep. His Words serve me a great deal. I must really take on the discipline of studying for an hour every day.

I can see how my tendencies for self-fulfillment get in the way of devotion. I rather naturally feel devotional, but I don't allow it to intensify. Rather, I opt for fulfillment.

September 30, 1990 (Sunday)

Still at the Mountain of Attention! Hired by Dave M. to help put a proposal together, but really I'm working on the Love of the Godman book by James Steinberg. The situation is that I probably have a $500/month job with the Great Tradition, so I just need another one to make this fly. I feel confident that I will move down here.

I am in love with the Jagad-Guru! That is my confession and joy. My life is about conforming to Him. That is happiness—I know it more and more clearly every day.

He's Blessing me with deep meditations again. But also some intense tapas. I think my knees are hurting because I ate a fruit dinner last night, so evening meditation was very difficult. I sat through it, though. I sensed I was being tested and I wanted to show resolve.

Feel moved to really do the disciplines as feeling-Contemplation. It is an act of self-forgetting. It is blissful, by His Grace.

October 1, 1990 (Monday)

Did everything again today, but I came home this evening and ate too much of the food I bought while watching a video. I feel it as betrayal of all the Gifts He Gives. It's obvious that I limit my ability to receive Him by doing such things.

And yet, this hall at the Topic property is *so potent*. Even when I dull myself, His Power penetrates. But I long to simply avail myself to Him. I feel that I must take on a discipline of only doing disciplines when I am by myself. Otherwise, I will merely indulge myself in some fashion.

Also, today I seriously *did* resort to Him and consistently pushed through limits earlier. Frankly, it's obvious to me that community makes me strong.

The arati tonight made me very happy. I mean just *really* happy.

October 2, 1990 (Tuesday)

A good day. I feel what occurs is that people here cycle between being under the gun to being too laid back. I'd just like to see a consistent outpouring of energy for Sri Gurudev.

This is all quite good for me because it give me a circumstance to be productive and not burn out and assume the disciplines consistently again.

The arati is very effective at getting me into a mindless state of joy. Then I walk out onto the beautiful Sanctuary and happily bow in gratitude at all the holy sites.

I'm doing the disciplines consistently. It's possible only because of His Grace and the practice of feeling-Contemplation that He Gives me.

I have begun to do the Prayer of Changes for three major things: the curing of my candidiasis; the alignment of my neck; and the coupling of Julie and myself. I was very moved by Sri Gurudev's description of the Prayer of Changes in the Dawn Horse Testament.

October 3, 1990 (Wednesday)

It's midnight. I was bamboozled into some service that went much later than I was promised. It's the same old story.

Great meditation this evening. It was one of the most conscious, yet mind-forgetting that I've experienced. I felt that I was taking my place as nothingness itself.

I'm becoming more attracted to Julie by the day.

I didn't feel particularly devotional during the evening chanting, but put out a lot of energy anyhow and was rewarded with a great meditation.

October 4, 1990 (Thursday)

It's 1:30 in the morning. The mild madness continues. I'm even enjoying it in some ways.

Meditation was self-forgetting.

Service was feeling-Contemplation.

Self-discipline was accomplished through distraction.

I missed chanting today, but the Paduka Mandir felt potent.

October 5, 1990 (Friday)

11:30. An early night. Have really fallen into feeling-Contemplation today. The pain in my neck and back doesn't seem as bad. I've eaten minimally and feel very full.

I gave a lot of energy in this evening's chanting and He Gave me a deep meditation. I noticed that thoughts slowly surfaced and eventually marred the deliciousness. I must assume responsibility for it and understand and move beyond it.

The disciplines felt great, particularly yoga. I moved into the asanas more gracefully and precisely than usual. Then, during the dead pose, I fell into feeling-Contemplation most deeply.

I also had a moment in which I saw my Oedipal most clearly. I could see the activity of my assuming that women were going to betray me. I can see that I expect all women to betray me. It's not surprising that I've never been able to attract a devotee lady considering that I project this intense rejection feeling to them. Well, I need to resort to Sri Gurudev and understand and transcend that activity.

October 6, 1990 (Saturday)

Have really felt Sri Gurudev's Blessing today. The mind has been pretty quiet. I *am* missing the morning puja and chanting. I just am frustrated about people not going on time and always being rushed.

October 7, 1990 (Sunday)

Leonard was here today. Almost immediately I found myself accused of not keeping in touch about what was happening with me and then was on the defensive which was immediately pounced on, too. At least I could see clearly, given the time I've been away from all my Seattle buddies, how a problem was being created. I could just drop the whole thing when he said I was being defensive. But I'm relieved I don't have to go back to that, which happens at all kinds of levels.

Meditation was deep this morning, and crummy this evening, which is the opposite of what it usually is.

During the arati I broke down and wailed and retched. I felt Him pull the sorrow from me. I felt the pain of the distance I create between us. And I can feel it now, but I've stuffed the rawness of it by eating again. Eating is problematic for me. It always has been.

So I'm in touch with my constant betrayal of Him and feeling helpless about it. But I just go on.

I'm exhausted from today.

It's late, but I'm feeling well-rested. I'm feeling alive and connected, in touch with pleasure and pain.

Meditation is tapas lately, and I'm tending to be in the body-mind.

I feel purified since the arati yesterday. He relieved me of something. I feel the capacity to resort to Him more constantly and fully.

I feel fed by His Sanctuary. I feel very much in the right place. I feel so welcomed here. It's amazing to me.

I've been feeling very energetic about the disciplines.

October 9, 1990 (Tuesday)

Meditation was deep both times. It requires a gesture of throwing away everything that arises. I know that is the key to enlightenment, but emotionally it feels like death. But it is necessary for true happiness. I know that I shall do it completely in this lifetime.

I could use more discipline in the food arena. I feel that this is a major area in which I betray Him. I go for indulgence in sensual pleasures beyond the actual needs that I have. The same goes for sex.

This betrayal actively keeps me from animating complete devotion. I feel my stuckness in the arati. I must allow this realization to break my heart.

Service with the Love of the God-Man is intense, but do-able. I feel Graced to be participating in it. It is a Great Grace because I am constantly reminded of Him.

Meditation was quite painful this morning because of the pain in my knees. My attention wandered a lot and I shifted position a lot, too.

I've been fasting today because of upset stomach and diarrhea. I know it's purification, but that doesn't make it any better. I feel better from fasting, though. It's a Gift from Sri Gurudev that gives me the strength to renounce my food addictions (essene bread and almond butter lately).

This book Love of the God-Man is requiring a lot from me. It takes all my attention during the day. It makes for great sadhana. It is a constant source of Remembrance.

I have been a little lax with exercise today because of illness, but have attended to it nonetheless. And have been moved by Grace to fast, so that feels good. I'm having the usual amounts of sexual thoughts and am starting to see them as bondage. As I write this, I can intuit the freedom of not being possessed by them. The sadhana for me now is to relinquish these gross tendencies in body, action and thought.

The fast is giving me more energy. It's 1:00 a.m. and I feel pretty good. It's always remarkable to me how easy fasting is and how reluctant I am to do it. Can the same be true of sex?

Meditation was very deep this morning. I used a chair because my knees hurt so much. I felt absorbed in His Presence.

All day has been service, mostly in the form of doing quotes. I feel the Grace of submitting my attention to Him in this form.

The discipline of attention is easier while fasting.

An "easy" purification and ordeal. The fast eases the strain on the body-mind and allows purification.

Hopefully, we'll be through the book in 36 hours and I'll be on the way back to Seattle.

Meditation has been disjointed. I "meditated" during my hour at the fire puja. I was mostly physically uncomfortable.

Discipline of attention is easier while fasting. Sexual thoughts come up less frequently, but still with some force.

Service is this constant book. I can see how it's good for me, but I wish we as a Sangha would simply embrace organization some.

I felt most devotional while singing in the shower.

Not going back to Seattle yet, the book is still in production. We've talked to the printers about giving us more time.

I had a very good meditation in which I felt Sri Gurudev constantly. I felt the contraction constantly, too, but simply kept feeling beyond it. I had "momentum" on my side. I just wanted to stay in the hall, but I eventually left after about 75 minutes. I went over to Paduka Mandir for puja and entered an empowerment. I felt His Presence thickly and started crying. I feel that He cares about me.

I'm glad to be on track again with the disciplines. I stayed up 'til three last night thinking that we were going to make the deadline, but it was obviously impossible. It's all the discipline of attention anyway.

I can't tell the difference between life and service.

This will be my third all-nighter in a row, and who knows how many late nights before. I am beyond feeling tired and feel surprisingly good.

I feel the severe test of this service, along with the extraordinary Grace. I am very happy right now and I don't know anything about anything. Practice in this moment is an automatic transcendence of conditions, built upon the momentum of the moment. Isn't it obvious that we're free?

I'm not very verbal right now. The form has slipped (ha-ha), but since the real practice is submission of attention, there's no problem.

Back on track on this Guruvara day. We got the book to the printer on Saturday. I was up for the last 40 hours. It all finally hit me the last few hours, so I staggered off and slept in the King's room where there was a heater.

The next day I got up, ate breakfast and hitched a ride to Tom Remus' where I slept another 5 hours. That was all I really needed to regain balance.

I naturally felt like fasting, didn't even think about it, really. After the ordeal of the book, the discipline of attention is easier.

I felt Sri Gurudev very much today. Kriyas and sounds, etc., manifested. I am easily moved to a mindless state now. I enjoy it. I tried to talk to Julie, but nothing occurred. But I wasn't uncomfortable with the silence, either.

No service today, except a little bit of reading chapter ten of the Love of the God-Man.

Just when I thought the big demand was over, I had to serve 'til 2 a.m., then got up at 6:30 again and served 'til noon. And it looks like we won't be able to get the gift to Sri Gurudev for Da Jyanthi because of the extra costs involved.

I can more easily take these disturbances in the form in stride, but I still don't like it. I can see that what I'm to be doing is the puja of renunciation and the creation of a circumstance that allows for "dropping out" as much as possible.

Through the ordeal of this time, I've become more attracted to renunciation. The quietness of the hall is most attractive. Fasting is attractive. Relinquishing concerns for money is attractive. Releasing the sex impulse is attractive.

This month has been a great Gift of receiving Service as a form (an intense form) of feeling-Contemplation. Again, it is merely the submission of attention.

October 25, 1990 (Thursday)

In Portland on a Greyhound bus. Been going for 16 hours beginning in Sacramento. It's quite an ordeal traveling by bus. I look forward to getting back to Seattle and "wrapping things up".

I know I just had a dream about Sri Gurudev, but can't remember the content. The content isn't that important. Remembering Him is what's important.

I'm doing the Prayer of Changes so that everything goes smoothly at this time of change. I have to be cautious and not get myself in service traps as I've tended to do. I must leave space to make money and handle money karma.

A life of devotion, service and self-discipline is difficult while living on a bus.

Back from Seattle and waiting for a new room—I'll be staying at Michael M.'s room while he's on retreat. I look forward to some semblance of settling down. I haven't had anything like that since leaving for Sri Love-Anandashram in April.

I'm getting over the flu. Today is the first day that I've done the full form since being back. I have no apprehensions about being here.

What a great Guru Sri Gurudev is! What an extraordinary time to be living in! He makes the ultimate realization possible for all beings. I am more and more aware of this.

They've offered me full-time at editorial. I have mixed feelings about it, since I wanted to make money and pay off my debts.

I'd like to write more about the Conscious process, but have held back because it really needs a more profound submission of writing than I've given. Only when I typed this data into a computer was I full enough with the words.

Meditation is peripherally deep, with spontaneous moments of real depth, signified by a "hunhh" sound that also occurs spontaneously. However, in general, it is not body-forgetting or even mind-forgetting. But I'm just getting back into the swing of things.

As to the discipline of diet, I've been eating fruit whenever I like. The only real distress is from the anal itching which can be quite severe. The swelling in my joints has ceased since I began doing this, so I can sit with ease again. I'll continue to play it by ear, but I suspect that a lack of vitamin C was the cause of the joint problem. I had been taking mega-doses of C to get over the flu and noticed how much my body desired it.

I wasn't overtly devotional during the chanting and didn't feel Him with any particular depth.

My life of service and work are blending into one, so that it is difficult for me to see my life as other than service. So, from here on out, I am just assuming a life of constant service in all situations and events, and will write diary entries about service from that point of view.

Right now I am merely adapting to the intensity and demand required to give over all of my life in such a fashion. It is difficult (like training for a race), but I have no fundamental resistance to it.

I feel very much in the groove. I was able to do all the disciplines fully and got to bed by ten yesterday. This morning was very full and easeful. Meditation was similar to how it's been for a few days. Last night was particularly deep and mind-forgetting.

My asana has been very good and I have felt minimal pain in my neck and back. I am very grateful for this and hope that the pain I've experienced for so long is not chronic and was just a sign of purification.

Living here at the Mt. of Attention is an extraordinary boon to practice. There is a sense of ease from being carried by Him, coupled with the strength of years of practice. I know that things will cycle still, but it is clear that there is plenty of accomplishing power readily available here.

I am enjoying a fundamental understanding of the process of "radiating to infinity". I am enjoying spontaneous moments of feeling this truly. It occurs when I recognize that I am always tending to contract and that virtually the whole world is self-contraction.

Meditation and asana are very stable and deep. I am very happy that my joints are not swelling. I really think it's a lack of vitamin C that does it.

Clicking and "hunhh" noises continue to arise spontaneously, concurrent with a feeling of bliss.

I had a box of soy milk after meditation and suffered itching during the night. It is obvious that I drink it for consolation and that it's not good for me. I need to quit. Other than that, my diet has been about 80% raw and I've been eating minimally.

A late night because I went with Michael M. to the airport and had various duties to perform and got lost a little bit. I was tempted to skip meditation, but just went with His Admonition. I slept in the editorial trailer. I feel slightly tired, but not too bad.

Saw Julie at The Danda and was really surprised because she gave me a lot of positive energy. She decided to go with us to the airport and kept turning around to talk to me (I was in the back seat) and include me in on the conversation. I had been feeling pretty neutral about her, perhaps even negative about the whole thing, but realized when I finally went to bed (sleeping bag) that I was really sexually aroused.

My disposition is that I'm refusing to "fall in love" as I've so easily done in the past. I feel good and strong about this disposition and won't allow it until reality jibes with it, that is, when and if we ever start dating.

But I'm very happy that she's going to Sri Love-Anandashram. I felt like I was going myself and was quite mindlessly happy. I can easily see her in my mind's eye, which is unusual. She's really getting under my skin.

I am happy that Sri Gurudev keeps moving me steadily beyond presumed limits—I am spontaneously assuming the position of radiant happiness, literally radiating heart-feeling to infinity.

[I'm going to interject something here. I'm surprised that I didn't write this in my diary. After taking Michael and Julie to the airport, I drove the car back. Just a few miles out from the airport, I entered some deep fog (this is at night). Suddenly, a car's wheel rolls in front of me and out of view. I see another wheel and various parts in a kind of slow motion. Somehow I just automatically avoided everything, weaving expertly through the mess. It was all over in seconds and the night and fog instantly eclipsed anything I might see in the rearview mirror. The really strange thing was it was absolutely silent. It gave me the eeriest feeling because I really couldn't explain the event. It was obviously an accident that had just occurred, but why hadn't I heard anything? I thought perhaps it was a strange omen, but had no idea what it could mean.

A few months later, Julie confessed to the women that she was really attracted to Michael. This got communicated to Michael and he went for it, much to my and Andrew's chagrin (we were the two other guys in editorial who were obviously attracted to Julie).

Their relationship lasted a few months (can't recall exactly how long). I remember that Julie felt she was abused in the relationship, but don't remember the whys and wherefores. I had worries of my own.]