April 28, 1990 (Saturday)

Almost had a good night's sleep. The morning meditation and puja was very nice and we chanted softly to good effect. It's very pleasing to feel the Guru in this worldly situation.

Well, it's still Saturday, but only because we crossed the international date line. For my body clock, it's 1:13 pm on Sunday, but here in LA, it's 6:13 PM on Saturday. That's nice because it will be like going to bed 5 hours early—something I could really use.

So we hung around Nadi and had the luxury of doing the disciplines and nothing else but eating and buying souvenirs. Some taxi drivers tried to rip us off—the first time on our last day. I bought a beautiful chess set for $100 US. I hope that was a smart move. I thought that if I had to sell it, I could get at least twice that amount for it. But being a tourist wore on me, and I soon found myself wanting to be back home.

We boarded the plane and left about an hour late, at 1:15 pm. Flew six hours to Honolulu, waited, flew another five hours to LA. Then we broke speed records making our connecting flight to Seattle, with literally two minutes to spare. Which brings me up to this moment.

I meditated very haphazardly on the flight. I watched a movie with Alan H. which we both thought was pretty dumb and worldly and yet somehow managed to enjoy.

I had been feeling spaced out and a bit annoyed at the knot in my neck, but after the fun of running to make this flight, I feel pretty happy. We'll be home in Seattle in about two hours and that feels really good. I feel committed to bringing Sri Gurudev's work to blossom there, despite the ordeal that it will be. I feel so Blessed to have awakened to being attracted to His Ordeal. It is what I want to do with my life. I've felt this way for some time, but after this retreat, I know that it is simply true of me.

I feel so close to Leonard, Peggy, and Mary and all the other devotees who shared this experience. I feel at my depth all the Gifts He Has Given as a Great Seed, planted to blossom in my heart. I literally feel this, it is not a metaphor. I know that over time more will be revealed about what I received on this retreat.

What a remarkable retreat. Meditation, devotion, discipline—everything has been magnified. Sri Gurudev stands forever Bright before my heart.

Wow, this is the first diary entry I've made since getting back. I've been extremely tired, irritated, knotted up and generally contracted. I am Narcissus, big time.

I was made CEO. I've got to really study hard for a week under Dan S., because he's leaving in a week for Sri Love-Anandashram.

I feel the growth, but am witnessing my bodily dramatization. I must simplify and conform my diet. I must be absolutely exemplary with diet—this is obvious, and the trick is not to get obsessed with it. This is possible if I simply refine it and base my life on feeling-Contemplation. Om Sri Da Love-Ananda Hridayam.

Service demands are intense—I'm doing Secretary, VMA, CEO, dishwasher, et al. I want to serve, but there is such chaos and it is taking its toll on this body-mind. There is nothing to do but continue. I am thankful for the opportunity.

We're in Vancouver where we just told our leelas from retreat. It's been very wonderful and I am delighted to be able to offer this service. People's responses really served me.

I'm very happy. I notice that happiness itself purifies the body-mind. My back is much better now.

This is real service to Sri Gurudev. Reaching people through His Leelas is so happy! I'd like to do it all the time. I know that sometimes it can seem like a drag if you do it a lot, but letting people know about Sri Gurudev is delightful.

I'm the minister of discipline now. That seems strange to me, but I guess I have a reputation. I'm aware so much of how I resist everything on such a basic level that it seems very humorous to me.

I got tears in my eyes watching Sri Gurudev heal Ratu Seru in the video this afternoon. I love my Ishta Guru.

Guruvara. Have felt very relaxed and submitted all day. The feeling is one of acceptance and happiness. The difficulties arise, stay awhile, and go away. By remaining in feeling-Contemplation, everything is acceptable.

I love to sing to Sri Gurudev. It is most naturally self-forgetting. And the mind is forgotten easily.

The disciplines are the disciplines of attention. I took a quiz today that said the conscious process is the discipline of attention. Really, all the disciplines are about the discipline of attention. And attention is the wanderer.

Meditation has a new sense of ease to it and simplicity—uncomplicated. Often, nothing is happening. And that is the truth of existence—that is freedom itself. That is the nonconsoling disposition and "no seeking".

I am fundamentally in love with Sri Gurudev.. This is my practice. This is all that I need. It is sufficient and awakening.

I am ever more aware that all disciplines are the discipline of attention. When that becomes summary, then one stands prior to attention. I sense my destiny in His Company. Freedom.

It is becoming literally true that service is moment-to-moment existence for me. My circumstance is that of submission of the entire body-mind to That Which is to be Realized.

I was given a profound meditation this evening. It was very similar to the ones in Mindless Company, but the difference was I kept going with Him and allowed Him to enter me more fully. A thought occurred that this is what it's like to conduct a kriya. Anybody can have a kriya, which is a kind of energy vomiting, but the need is to conduct or be responsible for that descending energy. The key, of course, is feeling-Contemplation. When I entered the hall, I felt profoundly my love for Sri Gurudev. I found myself saying (silently) "I love serving you with my life" over and over and was moved into a great depth. Like the Mindless Company meditations, I found that I didn't need to close my eyes, or sit erect (in fact, my posture was bent from the descending force). My mind kept thinking, but it was of no consequence. Nothing "I" did could implicate the real "me" during this. I felt the purifactory effects of this Energy. I found myself crying and laughing and moving with the energy. I felt a most profound sense of freedom and heart oneness with Beloved Sri Gurudev.

I am grateful.

Another deep meditation in the afternoon. This wasn't nearly so dramatic, but it was just as deep. It is immersion in His Love-Bliss. It is beyond pleasure and that is why it is so attractive. It is the indifferent state. Nothing can affect this state. I can feel how this state is becoming more and more my disposition throughout daily life. It brings a profound happiness. My life is happier than I ever could have imagined and it will only get happier 'til the ultimate realization.

Service is intense, of course, but the happiness of His Gifts moves me through everything Gracefully and effectively.

My heart is open almost all the time. I feel His Love most of the time. That is all there is to life. And it should be.

How great it is to live a life in praise of Heart-Master Da Love Ananda! I bow down to You always, Master of all Hearts!

I am living a life of moment-to-moment responsibility for everything. It is a great Gift that ensures rapid growth. I see how far I've come in two years and feel so grateful.

Service for me is never ending. This is how it should be. It is easy to forget oneself this way. The body-mind tends towards balance when attention is not set on it.

The discipline of attention has reached the point where the body-mind will do what it's told, but the mind is very persistent. Still, I feel a great strength and ability to submit even the strongest mind forms. I feel stronger all the time. I am being conducted in the energy of life and am feeling ecstatic more and more.

Meditation is consistently strong. I forget myself more readily in the evening. I find meditation enlivening and rejuvenating. He can be present in the most delicate, subtle way.

I noticed annoyance today. Ed bugged me when he told me I should call Malcolm about something that I, of course, would call him about. And Rick always bugs me with his deep-rooted dramatizations of the problem orientation to things. I'm so sensitive to him that what others completely miss is painful to me.

But I practice with these noticings. That is all there is to do.

I guess I am strongly disciplined. I feel more supported than ever, but paradoxically I need more support than ever and feel the lack thereof. People must be heart-broken to each other in this community and simply serve one another from that space. I fail at this also. But the intensity of real practice and resort is quickly undermining and transforming all of that.

Service is constant.

Service has reached an intense peak. I love it. There IS no time for Narcissus. I simply function and feel. I make decisions. I could be wrong.

I felt Him constantly in the hall this morning. It was all very constant and easeful. I felt like I could stay there for a long time. Being with Him in all situations is easy in Good Company, but I quickly fail in bad company.

A truck driver delivered bark to the house today and I immediately assumed his disposition. It was strange to watch. I wanted to point out that he didn't have to be the way he was.

The discipline is the discipline of attention. When there is constant demand, there is no room for Narcissus and attention is devoted to serve. In such a disposition, the separate self is quickly forgotten.

Leonard insisted that I got to Guruvara. I'm glad, I guess, but it would have been nice to finish a lot of things up.

Meditation refreshes me a lot, but I'm starting to burn out. I'm going to sleep before ten, so I hope that helps. I can feel the need for some real rest.

He is meditating me. It is peaceful and sublime. It is where I want to go, where I want to be. He is home.

Chanting disturbs me with our quality. We often don't respond sensitively to one another and chant together. The clapping is often disjointed. Our rhythm gets skewed.

I didn't exercise this morning and did just a few Da Namaskars for yoga. I'm tired and need to refresh.

Well, I'm still tired. There is an awakening beyond the apparentness of "things". It is happiness itself. It is inexplicable.

Service has been very demanding. It is a great Gift which is burning me up. What's left over when you're all ground up?

Had a wonderful meditation on the way back from Arlington in the back of Leonard's car. When I simply feel His Love, all is Given.

Service has pushed me to sloppiness with the disciplines. However, I feel very strong now.

That feeling of strength remains. I have endured much in this life. It was necessary to make me strong for the role I must play. Why must I play this role? Because it is reality...

Feeling more relaxed now, although I'm still not getting much sleep. But I haven't had to do intense physical labor, either. So the disciplines are easily managed.

My love for Sri Gurudev just grows and grows. He is the meaning of life. I only want to serve Him with this life. I find that I must transcend myself to love Him perfectly.

Service is a form of intimacy with the Spiritual Master. It keeps me aligned if I submit to it. It points out my reactivities.

Extraordinary installation of the Murti at the rural ashram. I felt Him very simply on the way over and most profoundly during the occasion. I am really losing my mind to devotion.

I'm a bit lax with discipline. Probably because of the intense service and fatigue. But fatigue is just another state. So what?

Serve with life and humor and joy.

Marty wrecked my car today. Hopefully, it will be useable.

The meditations were good—real self-forgetting and devotion to the Divine Being.

My entries in this diary are so mediocre. I should take a discipline to do better.

I slept some today and feel well rested. My service wasn't as productive as usual.

It was enjoyable to have time to do the disciplines.

May 22, 1990 (Tuesday)

The car is useable. I've agreed to pay the fine for not having insurance. Marty will pay for the damage.

Meditation is very simple and self-forgetting. I could do it much longer than I am.

I feel Sri Gurudev in most situations. Last night I couldn't sleep and had to fight to stay in relationship. It was unpleasant, but I did not fail the test.

Service is less intense and more enjoyable.

I felt how much I love Michael when he came over today.

Just had a meeting with Leonard, Ed, and Marty about the accident. It was decided that Marty would pay for the damages to the other cars and I would absorb the cost of my car and the fine for not being insured. We'll proceed with taking care of everything tomorrow.

I was feeling jangled from the circumstance when I went into the hall, and thought that I was going to just have one of those times, but everything quickly fell away and I became absorbed in Him. What great Gifts the guru brings!

Tired and happy—my usual state. Service continues happily. In the evening, I am easily falling into meditation, but the mornings can be quite difficult. I've adapted enough that it's generally easy to sit for an hour and a half, but the mind tends to wander.

Sri Gurudev dissolves my head.

Feeling toxic from not eating right. I simply cannot tolerate even a bit of the "conventional" vegetarian diet. I am converting to raw right away. Perhaps in a couple of months, when it's hot and we've moved, I can do the great fast.

I can see how not eating properly interferes with communion. It tugs at my heart, but does not break. I must be moved beyond my mediocrity. It is key to have the rest of the men participate. I must give more attention to, and participate in, diet.

Service was also interfered with because of diet. I came home and slept four and a half hours because of this feeling. I'd like to do more aerobic exercise also.

Worked all day with Mark H. and made $111 washing windows and cleaning gutters. My neck is painful. I wish that it could be aligned.

I'm pretty wiped out. Work is a good way to discipline attention. So service was work.

I didn't feel very devotional until the chanting began this morning. That consistently happens. Chanting always saves the day.

I'm suffering physically a lot. But I had a great meditation because of the demand for transcending the pain. I could intuitively assume the witness position. I felt His Instruction in this. He explained that the quickness that I desired enlightenment demanded apparent pain. The pain itself is the circumstance of quickening the need for transcendence. Thus, any form of identification with the body-mind is discovered to be too painful to be continued.

My practice always comes down to merely loving Sri Gurudev. That is the circumstance of everything as everything is thrown away.

I cannot bare to be identified with the body-mind any longer.

Don W.'s laying-on-of-hands was much more effective than the chiropractic sessions I've been enduring. I'm going to have it out with Dr. Dan tomorrow and perhaps find another chiro.

Meditations have been great. I meditated four and a half hours today and they were all body and mind forgetting. I performed the Sat-Guru Murti Puja and was Given the Gift of no subjectivity during it. It is wonderful to be ONLY enacting devotion. After that, I stayed in the hall an extra hour. It was all so easy.

Served on the computer five hours this evening. I really love it. Time goes by unnoticed.

I'm writing this entry on the 30th, because I stayed up till 3:00 am mudding the new communion hall.

I'm noticing that I'm pretty happy lately. I've been going through it physically. When I'm relieved of the physical distress, I naturally notice happiness in equanimity. Happiness IS equanimity, or total ease in association with the body-mind.

Even though I had just two hours sleep last night, I was very happy in the hall this morning. I could see easily that I was not the body-mind. In fact, that insight informs my practice right now. It is extremely obvious that I am not the body-mind. Happiness IS this realization.

Yesterday continued with deep meditations. I'm going into the hall and disappearing again. I'm not struggling with Contemplating His bodily human Form and this is moving into absorption of His Presence. I practice informed by Kanya Suprithi's confession of the error of absorptive Contemplation taken to the nth degree.

It's important not to identify with the body-mind, that is, if you don't want to suffer. Suffering is the act of identifying with limitation. Right now in particular, if I identify with the body-mind, I would be suffering a lot because of neck pain. It pushes me to the limit, which is what it's all about, I guess.

The second meditation was also very good, despite all sorts of interference from noise and unconsciousness in the house and fatigue on my part. But the relationship with Sri Gurudev is a process that has verified itself and can rise above apparent limits to the practice.

I kept going strong all day until right now. I get disheartened by the extreme peculiarity of the Ashramites. Their energies are so inefficiently used, it hurts because we need to use our energies effectively and wisely. They stay up late, but they don't cut through it by keeping the energy up. If only they understood that it was absolutely necessary for our community's growth, as well as their own.

I'd been really identified with limitation until this evening when I heard Rick's letter from Sri Love-Anandashram. I felt Transmission from it.

I realize that I need to make better use of the circumstance of intense service moment-to-moment. I need to truly resort to Him consistently and these difficult moments are Empowered to push me through myself by His Grace.

I don't want to be grumpy and complaining. I want to love my Gurubhais, but there are moments when serving them doesn't "look good".

The discipline and form continue to carry me beyond myself.

What a happy day it's been! I have felt relieved of myself since hearing Rick's letter read last night.

I don't know what to say. I'm pretty mindless. I feel in "flow". I'm in the right place at the right time.

I'm in a magical space and not very identified with the body. I care for nothing. Suffering itself is only limitation and not the truth.

This lady is really interested in buying the house. I hope that she's the answer to our prayers.

Had a fun evening of talking about the practice with the guys. I get excited and confessed. I just talk from my experience and then quote the Teaching, while others usually do it the other way around.

I am aware of a new level of mediocrity. I need to cut through "it" more profoundly. I am having fully body insights into the habit of Narcissus. I see the whole gesture of my life as an egoic limitation. The "solution" is complete relaxation into that which IS.

I collapsed into myself this morning. This hasn't happened in a long while. It was connected to diet and how I had been "sneaking" sweetness into my diet. Basically, I became very hypoglycemic and lost my will power. I feel very good now, though, after going through it and then getting muscle balanced.

Service is a Gift that let's me go beyond everything. I have a touch of concern about needing to find work and get money coming in, but with as much money as I can make with window washing, a good week will pay my bills for a month. I would like to concentrate on making money so that by the end of the year I will be debt free. I know it's possible. I also want to have cooperative business running well by then, also.

Sri Gurudev touches my heart in so many ways. I am losing my mind ever more. I want to be particularly ready to go to Sri Love-Anandashram next year. This is what life is all about.

I love Ishta-Guru Da

Feeling a bit more back on track. Carol H. said how much the addiction books helped her see herself as the addict Narcissus and I very much related to what she said. She also said that she realized how she could not do anything about it and I realized that that is the awakening to Grace. There is a sense of relief in understanding this—submission is the only true response.

Evening meditation was quite self-forgetting. It reminded me a bit of Mindless Company in that things came up, but without force or implication. I know that that is what Realization IS, ultimately in its profound degree. The key is just to keep surrendering to Sri Gurudev and allowing His Realization to Become Obvious.

Again, I see the great need to be organized. But I also see that I have more of a "knack" for it than ever before. The chaos and inefficiency occur from the ego and its resistance to everything. The very unwillingness to incarnate IS the ego, of which I am very much convicted. Sri Gurudev, in His Great Submission to conditional existence, IS the Perfect counterpoint to this.

I am aware of reluctance to engage in VERY difficult Sadhana. I know that I tend to do just enough to "make all As" and then I relax. But I know that I must keep moving beyond these limits and not effortfully. It's a paradox which will finally outshine the seeming things.

I was moved to tears by the reading of "What Will You Do If You Love Me?" tonight. It is my favorite essay. I'm noticing that chanting ALWAYS moves me into a devotional disposition.

I tend to forget that food is a discipline, perhaps because that is my weakest area. But I am moving with that more easily now, really seeing my addictive dramatization with it. I am more readily merely observing the tendency, rather than enacting it.

Meditation was very full and strong this evening. It's the usual pattern of "work" in the morning and bliss in the evening. I am learning how to be ecstatic and mindless.

True service to others is inherently self-forgetting. I sometimes forget that. Whenever there is self-reference, there is a lack of true service. I can see how I fail at this, but I DO constantly practice with it and move beyond it.

My sister caused a lot of stress to her intimates and I had to go over and talk things out. Two months ago I had to talk her out of bed (she had been there for a few days) and now she had slept with another guy she didn't really care about and blew up everything in front of her kids and Dale. She makes me so sad, but I can only pray for her. She will not listen or accept any help. She sees everyone as rejecting her.

Meditation was the usual pattern today, with the deep coming in the end.

I served most of the day on the computer. I enjoy the release of attention off the self and on others.

A lot of service on the phone today. What with the house, my sister, and trying to find work, I was constantly at it. But I'm beginning to realize the utility of it and that perhaps I'm actually doing good by His Grace.

I seem to know what to say and do spontaneously, simply because there is no time for subjectivity. It is extraordinary Grace that I am Given all of this. Growth is difficult, but it is eased by the Great One's Presence.

Meditation never got deep today. My mind was active throughout, but with surprisingly little problem solving. Rather, what occurs is spontaneous vision of possibilities and then the right thing to do is recognized when it arises.

The discipline of attention continues, but I notice how helpless I seem to be around food. It's not that I'm a glutton, but I am extremely aware of being "pulled" by food and realize just how powerful that pull is. It is profound and requires profound release of attention in order to transcend it.

A mindless state is no longer a unique thing for me. I often drop into it throughout the day. My mind is needed quite a bit lately because of circumstance and I feel the strain of that. I DO long for the easement of it all.

VERY ecstatic celebration today. It is easy by Grace to forget oneself, but ecstasy is also a progressive learning process. I was aware of people's attention on me, but I kept releasing the self-reflection that arose from that. I really felt Him deeply emotionally and laughed and cried with abandon.

What a Blessing it is to have a Guru! And what a Blessing to have a Guru of Unparalleled Realization! It is beyond comprehension—He IS the Greatest Gift.

Meditation was also very deep. "Nothing" happened—I was just gone. There wasn't even the feeling of love-bliss, which I am definitely getting attached to.

I'm noticing that I'm attracted to Ms. X. It's sexual, but so much more than merely sexual. I can feel her devotion and I feel her attraction to me. I have a knack for being attracted to women who are unavailable. The ones who are available do not attract me. That's the way it's always been.

Wonderful, ecstatic meditation this morning, AFTER the puja. During the reading I began to notice Him more profoundly as the feeling of Happiness. That feeling just became stronger and stronger. During chanting I really swayed with the feeling and felt a great energy animate me. Then I just sat afterwards and became VERY ecstatic. I am amazed how quickly it is occurring. It is a learning process—one learns to become ecstatic.

So devotion led to ecstatic communion again. And ecstatic communion became deep, self-forgetting meditation. The evening meditation was also deep. I am finding the place of Happiness more and more easily by Grace.

Service carried me away quite often today. And it was great fun with the guys, a lot of laughing and happiness.

The discipline of attention is made possible by the great distraction of Sri Gurudev. I am led away from my tendencies by forgetting them and choose to Remember Him instead.

A stressful day. I let it get to me when I got to Arlington and they said it would cost $3 for dinner because they were trying to "discourage" eating over here. It really pisses me off, as if I was a freeloader that needed discouraging. My point is that there has always been a great resistance on the ladies' part to serve in the nourishing fashion and the men don't place that demand on them outside of the context of themselves.

And I was up late again, but meditation was great in our new hall. It's always such a funny juxtaposition with the community being unattractive as egos and the Sat-Guru being so Powerfully Attractive. Only true devotion can bring you through the ordeal of a community of egos in crisis.

Meditation continues to be Instruction in ecstasy. I feel ecstasy coming over me in waves throughout every moment of my life. The possibility of ecstasy is always available and I can always sense it. With participation, the feeling-intuition can be enhanced until I AM ecstatic.

I felt this immediately upon entering the hall tonight. I closed my eyes immediately and fell into Sri Gurudev. I then disappeared for the next fifty minutes.

I feel His Energy moving through my body frequently, particularly when we listened to a leelas video this evening.

I felt ecstatic in doing the formal disciplines throughout this period. It is nice to feel somewhat relieved of the self.

I stayed in the hall again this morning after chanting. If I lived an actual renunciate lifestyle I would stay in the hall much longer. I can feel true spiritual life awakening in me and feel frustrated at the conditions of life and the circumstance of community.

Yet another extremely hectic day of service, moving Gurubhais' possessions about. Then Kathy laid into me and left me wounded. Nothing to do except endure and forgive.

Meditation is not as ecstatic, but it is full. I know that I could move into that ecstasy given time, but time is short.

Feeling very connected with all the men. I really love living in the men's household. It is a great Gift for which I am grateful.

Adrian did a healing session with me today and I responded immediately and directly to her guidance. I felt her warm sensitivity and was nourished. She went a long way in relieving me of my Oedipal.

I have been feeling stressful and realized that I'm worried about being the CEO and not really being able to understand where we are financially. Money decisions need to be made, but they have to wait until we (Dan and I) put the pieces together.

Life lives AS us.

It's 11:30 and I don't feel as tired as I probably should. I have to get up in five hours, so that's okay, I guess.

Meditations are falling off from ecstasy. I am physically and mentally and emotionally worn.

I got everything loaded on Ron's computer and am happy about that.

Self-transcendence is turning into a constant.

Sri Gurudev filled me with His energy during a Darshan video today. It was as strong as any Darshan I've been at physically. He attained my body with great Force. I was intoxicated with Him, but it wasn't the same as love-bliss. It was purifying. The meditation that followed was very serene and self-forgetting.

And we learned more about His new Name, Da Kalki. I was moved to tears listening to the further Revelation of Sri Gurudev.

I'm exhausted. It's chronic, so I should take care to rejuvenate now. I need to be in good shape through this summer.

I love my Gurubhais very much. How wonderful it is to share Sri Gurudev's Revelation with them.

Feel hurt and betrayed, but it is all my own action. I am the cause of all this suffering; it is hard to accept.

Meditation was deep this evening, but I didn't meditate this morning. I feel the betrayal of my vow to Sri Gurudev.

I am feeling mediocre as I have fallen into my suffering.

Relaxing into life again. Things go on anyhow, I've noticed. There's so much to do and I simply can't do it all myself. I hope this is a turning point for me, where I can truly relax, yet go beyond myself nonetheless.

Meditations were difficult today, but it feels like a lot has been worked through and released. I felt Him in moments, but I was particularly contracted today.

Service was learning how to relax amidst the pressure. I got the computer entry done, but still have the reconciliation facing me. I brought a Murti out to work by and He helped a lot.

I wanted to chant this morning, but Dan cut the morning short by ringing the bell. I could feel devotion coming alive towards the end of the puja as usual.

It feels SO GOOD to be back on track with the disciplines.

Had a kinesiology treatment by Kevin M. again today. My mind wants to doubt the process, but it's obvious to me the viability of it. AND I do feel a relief in my neck.

Meditation continues to be crummy, but it hardly seems to matter. The important part is the transcendence of concern for all that arises.

I've felt very tense lately, but I'm finding that I can relax anyhow. I know that I am being Instructed profoundly through the contraction and the witness position is spontaneously manifesting.

Devotion flowered through puja and chanting again. And Dan was a very positive influence towards the end of meditation. I felt-Contemplated Sri Gurudev through Dan's feeling-Contemplation.

I started to run again today. Again I feel definite that it is extremely useful for me to do so.

Running is helping a lot. It gives me a happier disposition, and I'm stronger, too. It seems clear that I should work it into my schedule.

Meditation is not as ecstatic, but pujas and chanting consistently bring me to Him. This morning I felt drunk on love-Bliss, particularly during chanting.

Service is releasing attention from onself. It is impossible to strategically do this. You just notice that it's already happened through submission of every kind.

I am bringing more energy to the disciplines. The running has had an immediate effect on my energy as a whole. I don't feel as tired.

Devotion is this dance of life with Sri Gurudev.

I've just received a most remarkably sublime meditation. It seemed that I stood prior to space and time. I was in the place of no worry, no concern, always already happy. I'm at the rural ashram. The new hall is very potent. I am enjoying remarkable clarity and equanimity.

I got to do my bodily service, and I must say that I enjoyed it very much. I scythed some weeds. The exercise was good for this body and I felt that it prepared me for meditation.

Devotion is easy. What else is life, but devotion to the Supreme Divine Being? And how blessed am I to be living at the time of His Presence fully incarnated in the world. It has been unspeakably difficult, but the growth has been quick.

Because I am intoxicated in love-Bliss, the disciplines are easeful and joyful celebrations of Satsang. It is all only Satsang. It is so profoundly simple and excruciatingly difficult.

I wouldn't crumble under the force of apparent limitation today. It was a hard day, but I NEVER lost contact with Sri Gurudev. And the day has ended gloriously. It is 11:30 and I don't feel particularly tired, but I'm going to bed anyway. Om Sri Da Love-Ananda Hridayam.

Sharon G. just gave me a massage and I was made more aware of just how tight I am in the body. But somehow it all gives me hope that I will one day let go of all the stress that I'm creating.

Meditations are coming on strong again. I noticed the mind this evening, but it was extremely peripheral.

Today I noticed how I could choose happiness in any moment. When I chose happiness, it was the same as transcending conditional existence. The same. I feel it now. It is always a choice.

It's been very difficult lately, but there is a strong intuition of happiness.

Meditation was dreadful this morning with tension and pain in my neck. I had only four hours of sleep. I feel the need to rest.

My heart is aching because I'm not feeling Sri Gurudev as strongly lately. But it's been difficult with all the stress and physical discomfort.

I'm going to bed now and it's only 9:30!

Physically difficult still, but starting to relax.

Saw Denya and Jeremy today. They're pretty good kids. I gave Jeremy the Divine Emergence. I have their address and phone number, so I think I'll keep in touch with them.

Meditation was somewhat strong this afternoon at the main hall. He Is most powerfully there. I hope we move soon.

The disciplines are more on track, but I still have difficulty in reading for an hour/day and don't care much for the checklists.

Cleaned the storage shed when I looked for paint supplies today. Then Michael called to thank me. I really appreciate and need that type of response.

I've felt strongly devotional, but there has been no tendency toward emotionalism. I don't feel "dead", but there is a lack of deep emotion.

This morning's meditation was significant because I was able to practice with the pain and submit it to Sri Gurudev. I feel that this is a big breakthrough, but just the beginning of, perhaps, real hearing. We'll see—I have been relieved of much suffering by submitting it to Him.

Today was very self-forgetting and happy. But I feel "others" as a disturbance. This is not surprising.

Haven't done the evening meditation yet and it's 10:00.

I'm taking things in stride and not getting tense.

I am very horny lately.

Meditation has become full in the hall again.

I feel splintered—there is no center.

July 1, 1990 (Sunday)

In a strange space. Feel Sri Gurudev, but feel the self-contraction at its simplest form. Not really tight in the body, but tight in the psyche.

I'm happy to be here. I refuse to worry any more.

Rick wants to hurt me for being straight with him, I only want him to grow.

Strange day at the rural ashram in which the water pump broke. Strange day of "subdued" ecstasy. I sat back a bit, feeling my feelings for Sri Gurudev—somehow I just expect people to come forward, but they don't. I can't say that it affects me one way or another when I go up front—a lot of it is just wanting people to see how it's okay to do so—but then they still don't go out front.

Feel consistent love for Sri Gurudev. My life is full of service to Him. Really, everything I do is a Gift from Him to me so that I may meditate on Him constantly.

I am consistently happy and strong and steady in practice. There is a great stability that is coming over me. Attention can be stilled by this great strength of purpose.

Meditation is consistent submission of attention today. I've noticed the desire for experience, but I am not as strongly moved to animate it. Desire is transferred into desire to be with Him constantly. That is true, real desire.

The strength of disposition continues. Looking back at Rick's anger at me, I know that he is angry and jealous of my strength. He doesn't understand that it is freely available to anyone who avails himself of it.

I have been consistently happy today. I was tested quite a bit by circumstance and felt heart-broken, but I never lost touch with happiness as Sri Gurudev.

I led the chanting this morning and felt how much...

It's the fourth of July and there's all the noise of firecrackers, etc., going off. It does make it difficult to sleep.

I'm leaving for the celebration tomorrow. As usual, I got into purifying mode (also known as "taking care of business"). I feel how close I am to submitting absolutely to the taking care of business. Sri Gurudev is showing me that happiness is prior to attention and that attention must be absolutely disciplined in order to stand prior to it.

This evening's meditation was deep. I felt drawn into Sri Gurudev's Presence the moment I walked into the hall. It's so delicious to know at the beginning that you will be absorbed in His Bliss through heart-felt Contemplation of Him.

Today has been nice because it's a holiday and there has been ample time to do the disciplines and "take care of business" (clean up and make orderly). I know that meditation was particularly effective because of a bit more relaxed circumstance.

Well, we're at the Mountain of Attention after perhaps the most graceful ride over that I've ever experienced. It felt like it took no time at all. And now that I'm here, it feels like I'm home. It always does.

We chanted two times on the way over and both times were easy and relaxed and full of simple devotion.

I felt I served Jeremy by being in relationship with him throughout the drive. We laughed quite a lot.

I meditated twice during the trip and both times were quite self-forgetting. I found it amazingly simple to drop into feeling-Contemplation despite the circumstance.

What an ecstatic day! I was graced to be invited to a vigil committee meeting in which we as a community were drawn into and moved beyond our limitations. We ended up with 551 friends and had promised Sri Gurudev 500. It was very ecstatic. You could feel the Circumstance as a Gift from Sri Gurudev.

I felt Him very strongly in Land Bridge Pavilion, particularly when we chanted. I notice that I'm able to give up the need for experiences in the body and just be happy to be with Him.

The meditation was good, but I had the tendency to slip out of it. It turned out to be quite muscular towards the end.

Well, I'm still very happy to be here. The play with pain is beginning again, but it's really just showing me how much I've grown and how strong I've gotten. It is easier to shift attention prior to conditionality. I am seeing life at its sum-total in moments and am able to stand in place when I do. Then I can accept the pain as I step back.

There is a lot to tell about today. What really stands out is the full moon puja at Red Sitting Man. I gave and gave my energy and had the sense of my egoity being burned up. Then at the end, I had the clear impression of Sri Gurudev walking away from us. Then my emotions broke and I sobbed tears of joy and amazement that He Gifts us so profoundly.

Service was cleaning a path at Holy Cat Grotto. I noticed my tendency to mentalize and began to see how that interferes with receiving Sri Gurudev's Grace. I suddenly felt that at the end of the Red Sitting Man puja and asked Sri Gurudev to relieve me of my mind. I know that that will be the circumstance of practice now.

Meditation was much deeper at the puja than in the formal occasion. However, the pain in the evening was a Gift that required me to step back.

High celebration! I feel Sri Gurudev very simply and naturally. Seeing all His devotees here is wonderful. They are my family. So what comes up is desire to live here, find a girlfriend, etc. But unless something very unusual occurs, I'll be in Seattle a while. I would jump at the opportunity to move here.

Feeling-Contemplation was WILD tonight. There were a lot of animal noises, laughing and crying. I had a bit of everything, but just noise, not animal. I felt very intimate with the space of the room and everyone in it.

Devotion is easy in this circumstance.

[Here I've drawn the symbol for Da 49 times over the next 3 pages.]

Another fire puja at Red Sitting Man! VERY powerful! I'm having insights into how I function occasionally at these things. While everybody else burst into open ecstasy, I was silently ecstatic. I became absorbed in the fire, drawn deeper into pure consciousness than ever before. I was completely aware of myself and others, but somehow relieved of any implications. I felt like the fulcrum of whatever was going on. We were all very happy.

While going to do service, I suddenly noticed this very large, beautiful butterfly on the sidewalk. When it flew up, around me and returned to its spot, it occurred to me that this was a special butterfly. I had Darshan with the butterfly for a half hour and quit only because I was due to lead chanting in Land Bridge Pavilion. The butterfly circled me a total of 3 times and always came back to the same spot in front of me. It was obvious that this butterfly was a vision of the Divine. I feel very blessed by this Gift.

I also got to use Ordeal Bath Lodge. My mind continues to fade away...

As far as CEO training goes, today was a wash. I've had a good look at both sides of things—one is the devotional response which I admire very much, but the other is the ego's sloppiness which is unfortunately all over the place. I think it must be the case that the Master's devotees are the worst from the beginning because He Is Working to pull the whole universe through from the bottom up.

Unfortunately, we're the bottom.

So I've been in my head quite a bit today, planning my re-entry into mundane existence. I've felt His Gifts and am moved to kick ass once again. It has become clear to me that once I get the Seattle region aligned and on the right track, then I will be Given another circumstance, perhaps one at the Mountain of Attention. I know this is the case, but I don't know how long. As long as it takes to straighten myself out in response to Sri Gurudev, I suppose.

I felt the embarrassment of the vigil committee due to my presence. Eyes averted, etc. It's sad, but perhaps they'll remember me positively at some future point and I'll be able to live/serve on a Sanctuary.

Good meditations. Real self-forgetting and feeling-Contemplating Him. I am more able to easily fall into Him, even throughout the day when things are difficult.

Am noticing a stability and equanimity about me in all situations now. Am not afraid to say what my response is to any situation.

Things were making it difficult to get to my bookstore shift, but I was resolved to do it and was very happy to do it. I feel very Blessed.

Lisa B?

Two great meditations today. Just came out of the hall and have to focus to put words together. Love-Blissful feelings pervading the body-mind. Calm and centered. Amazing, considering the high level of chaos. There's no good reason not to be completely relaxed 99% of the time.

I think about Sri Gurudev all the time. My world is made up of references to Him.

I was really taken by Lisa B's display of devotion. I'm going to find out more about her.

I didn't have to paint today, so I've been able to get some things done. I think the nap I took really pushed me into profound equanimity.

The disciplines have been wonderfully sweet gifts today. I have engaged them all in feeling-devotion. It is the only way to be, action sacrificed beyond the self-contraction.

I'm splitting diary entries between the computer and this book...

The painting company looks like it's kaput. I'm standing to lose at least $1000 on this. I'm feeling betrayed and rejected. I talked with Ed this morning and got pretty emotional, but it felt good to confess my feelings.

Sri Gurudev says He wants to leave and go back to New York and have the Brahmacharinis go back to their mothers. I think we all have the tendency to think He's bullshitting us, but I don't think so. I feel it as real and I feel the torture of my own life.

I'm writing in the bookstore. It's so peaceful here. Here is a moment that suggests the chaos of what we do is just an illusion. How I long for renunciation! How I long for cooperative community! How I long for a devotee lady to hold me tight!

No mater how bad it gets, I always go into real meditation twice a day. There are always kriyas and the dropping of the mind.

Busy day preparing for retreat. Things always seem to work out.

I'm looking forward to meeting Lisa. Everything I know about here is attractive. I must remember to keep this possible relationship in the context of the Way of the Heart. I really hope that we like each other.

I notice that the mind is more easily controlled than ever. In the hall, it is mostly still mind. It still has a tendency to jump up now and then, but who cares?

Spent all day taking care of business in order to leave. It feels very good. I'm amazed that things can be tended to, if not done really well. What I do, I do well. I just wish that I could do more.

At the Mountain of Attention. Spent twelve hours getting here. It seemed easy again.

I felt Sri Gurudev early in the journey. I feel Him now very easily. It is not complicated. I'm not even tending to animate much in the body-mind now. I can tell already that this retreat signifies a further release of bodily identification.

And paradoxically, I am interested in establishing a bodily relationship with Lisa. I suddenly felt certain that we would get together somewhere in the middle of the trip. I can still feel it, but my mind wants to doubt it. But it is so, if I presume it profoundly in the context of practice.

Still haven't seen Lisa. But at dinner I sat down next to Brooks, who, as it turned out, just happens to work with Lisa in the school. So he's going to ask her for me if she'll go out with me on my birthday.

I'm finding out how much this means to me. I know that I should find out and transcend emotional limitations in a sexual relationship. This is clear now.

Took care of business today. Thursday and Friday are meditation. Saturday is my birthday. Steve L. is arranging for me to be able to wash windows at The Manner of Flowers. That would be a great birthday gift along with going out with Lisa.

My heart longs for this relationship. I'm discovering how much I've wanted an intimate relationship with a devotee. And Lisa's devotion is beautiful.

Meditations have been odd. At the beginning of this evening's it felt like I'd go right in, but there's an odd energy about. Like at the Arati, it felt like we were always on the verge of real ecstasy, but we never quite made it. I don't get it.

Met Lisa today. She is not conventionally pretty, but I love her voice and her eyes and the devotional being that she is. She is more than a little reluctant about relationship (male/female). Her devotion has really touched me and awakened something in me...

This retreat is going great! But it's very different. My mind is shutting down. It's gone on vacation before, but now I think it plans to leave town. It is at once wonderful and unsettling. A great peace is arising. I feel an extraordinary balance and equanimity. Paradoxically, I also feel surging sexual energy, yet it doesn't disturb this peace—somehow it even enhances it.

Lisa is a very artful matter. I am moved at a level that I'm not familiar with. My heart says that she's the one for me. But her reluctance is a delicate matter, yet appropriate. I want to touch her heart somehow.

Had dinner with Lisa today. She confessed that she didn't feel moved to enter into a relationship. But I could feel her liking me more and more. We're both attracted to just being friends and if that leads to something, fine. This is really the way I want it to be and didn't know it. The conventions that we're given make us so sex-oriented. But that's always disturbed me—this male encouragement to get in bed as quickly as possible. That always seemed like bullshit to me. So I'm enjoying this relationship as it is and it seems terrifically appropriate.

And I've never been a "couple" guy. I've always been open to multiple relationships. That's dangerous territory, though. Our emotional/sexual limitations scare the shit out of us, but we must be willing to face it.

The retreat continues to go well. I'm in good shape physically. Meditations aren't profound, but neither were they the first week at Sri Love-Anandashram. It's the Gift of Tapas right now, and I've come to learn to appreciate it.

I feel very much at home here. People here can sense that, too, and respect that. This place feels completely available to me and I'm very grateful.

Tomorrow's my birthday and I've been promised that I can wash the windows at The Manner of Flowers. What a great gift that is! And what an empowerment to my window washing career!

Happy birthday to me! I did get to wash windows at The Manner of Flowers! It was extraordinary walking into the place. I felt Him very strongly. And then I saw the Lingam! It was so powerful! It gave off good vibes. To my utter surprise, I got to wash windows right behind the Lingam. It was extraordinary, yet ordinary. I keep getting the deepest sense of being at home here. I feel very natural and confident in all I do here.

Had the idea to ask the community for support for the CEO function. Why not? Whatever is contributed will free up my time to do service instead of work. It will directly benefit the community.

I am embracing tapas strongly. I am able to endure retreats very well now. In fact, if my neck were fixed, I would be always enjoying it. My legs hardly ever bother me. I've learned to endure pain well, to the point where it doesn't seem painful anymore. The neck pain is more disturbing, but I'm able to surrender that more consistently than before.

Saw Lisa quite a few times today, but never got to connect. I went up to her to say "Hi", but she was talking to Eliot about kids and I stood there awkwardly for about three minutes before just walking away. I felt my own rejection number coming up and still do. Then I saw her during the Arati and I fell in love with her devotion more deeply than ever. I was really moved personally and could feel her responding to my spontaneity in the Pavilion. It was so intimate it was sexual—devotion is definitely sexual. That's why our emotional-sexual blocks have stopped devotion short. Now we're seeing the dawn of real devotion. I suspect we'll see the dawn of sexual/emotional release. You read it here first, folks.